As noted yesterday, the Marlins traded almost every notable player they had to the Blue Jays. However, there are reports that this is just the beginning, that Ricky Nolasco may be next, and that Logan Morrison may also be on the block! The Marlins are going back to their low-payroll ways, and nothing can stop owner Jeffrey Loria and his step-son/club president David Samson from going through with it. After all, they just got a big publicly-funded stadium, and now have gone and plunged their team into the abyss without giving a care in the world! Thanks Miami for the new stadium, and thanks for paying for it! I mean, we always were telling you that once we have a new stadium we wouldn’t have to do fire sales and be low-payroll! Now, excuse us, we have fire sales to run! And this is after they near-singlehandedly began the chain of events that sent the Montreal Expos into oblivion!
Given the fact that this is the third fire sale of the Marlins, and the second under Loria’s watch, we can easily extrapolate the future of the Miami Marlins (after the jump):
Thanksgiving, 2012: Ricky Nolasco is traded to the Yankees for prospects. Giancarlo Stanton is not amused.
December 1, 2012: The NHL season is cancelled. Blue Jays season ticket sales skyrocket. Meanwhile, the season ticket base of the Marlins is down to about 400, although about 300 of those are people who were given them as consolation prizes in “Win Miami Heat Tickets” contests. Meanwhile, in Montreal, Youppi realizes that he has a lot of time on his hands, and begins thinking dangerous thoughts.
December 5, 2012: During the Winter Meetings, the Marlins trade Logan Morrison to Boston, Greg Dobbs to the Angels and Justin Ruggiano to… I don’t know… let’s say Milwaukee. Giancarlo Stanton asks his agent to try to figure out if his contract can be voided since he originally signed it as Mike Stanton, or something like that.
December 20, 2012: A member of the Marlins front office tells the media that there is no way in heck that they are trading Giancarlo Stanton.
December 21st, 2012: The world doesn’t end, although Giancarlo Stanton almost wishes it would.
Christmas Eve, 2012: Jeffrey Loria is visited by three ghosts, which is really surprising since Loria is Jewish.
Christmas Day, 2012: Having gotten the wrong lesson from the three ghosts, Jeffrey Loria trades Steve Cishek to Texas.
Spring Training, 2013: After the final game of the World Baseball Classic, Giancarlo Stanton asks every one of his teammates on Team USA if they can take him with them.
Opening Day, 2013: Youppi, having sworn vengeance for the death of the Montreal Expos, attempts to assassinate Jeffrey Loria using a T-Shirt cannon. He is foiled when Billy the Marlin takes the T-Shirt bullet. Everybody thinks it’s just a publicity stunt.
The day after Opening Day, 2013: Realizing that the value of Billy the Marlin has never been higher, Jeffrey Loria trades him to the Cubs in exchange for two up-and-coming minor league mascots.
May 7th, 2013: After the 1B ends up being sick, the Marlins put in hitting coach Tino Martinez to play.
May 8th, 2013: After a respectable 2-4 performance, the Marlins flip Tino Martinez to the Yankees for prospects.
Trade Deadline, 2013: The Chicago White Sox offer several top prospects for Giancarlo Stanton. No deal. Giancarlo Stanton begins to contemplate retirement.
Home Run Derby, 2013: Giancarlo Stanton takes his frustration out on the baseballs, breaking all Home Run Derby records. Sadly for him, he is not traded immediately after.
All-Star Game, 2013: In a repeat of his Team USA escape attempt, Stanton tries to convince his teammates post-game to help him escape from Miami.
2013 World Series: The Toronto Blue Jays beat the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. The Skydome crowd chants: “Thank you, Jeff!” in English, with the exception of a small but loud amount of Quebecois that made the trip just to yell obscenities about Jeffrey Loria on international television.
2014: Giancarlo Stanton remains a Marlin, despite the fact he stole the 2003 World Series trophy and drove off with it tied behind his car in an attempt to be traded.
2015: The Chicago Cubs defeat the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series, thus proving Back to the Future II correct.
2016-17 offseason: Giancarlo Stanton becomes a free agent and signs with anybody but the Marlins.
2017: The Marlins, built upon the prospects they gained from the 2012 firesales, win the World Series. Giancarlo Stanton has no regrets.
2017-18 Offseason: The core of the 2017 Marlins is traded away. Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins front office say that they had to do it because Marlin Stadium is already starting to show it’s age so it is not economically feasible to have such a high payroll.
And so on, and so fourth, until, finally…
2070: Miami is swallowed by rising sea-levels. Robot Jeffrey Loria tells the people of Miami- now genetically engineered into merpeople- that he will only be able to increase the Marlins’ payroll if they build him a new, taxpayer-funded, submarine domed stadium.