And now, a special guest post by our friend Mike Clair from Old Time Family Baseball:
Sure, anyone can purchase a throwback jersey, have a wall dedicated to obscure bobbleheads, and even tattoo phrases like “TOOTBLAN” on their toot-maker (I’m talking about your butt). But in case you ever need to prove that you’re not just a baseball fan, but that you’re a tastemaker, a thought leader, and a person ready and prepared for the challenges of tomorrow, well, these are the objects you need to purchase right now.
TEAM BOOB MUG
Yes, you already have your team’s beer stein and perhaps some plastic $10 souvenir cup, but until you have your club’s logo monogrammed on a mammary, well, you’ve got nothing.
Even better, not only can you choose which team you want painted on your very own Large Boob Mug, you can also choose between an open and closed nipple. That’s Freedom. That’s America.
When creating a hybrid spawn of yourself and your significant other and/or person you met one night while staying at the Ramada Inn outside of Tulsa, it’s important that they reflect your interests.
And there’s no better way to do that than with diapers! While your newborn infant may not know how to control their bowel movements, they should at least look good while…not controlling their bowel movements.
SPUDS MACKENZIE POSTER
Are you a 35-year-old man who, because of a hilarious mix-up, has to go back to college in order to claim an inheritance? Then make sure your new roommate knows what a rad baseball-loving party animal you are with this classic and chic Spuds Mackenzie poster.
THE YOUPPI LISTENING EXPERIENCE
While some think the Expos move to Washington was a carefully executed scheme by Jeffrey Loria, the truth is actually far more sinister. It turns out that foreign spy agencies were actually forcing political prisoners to dance around in the Youppi costume while his theme song was used for sick and twisted mind control experiments. To this day, Youppi is the nuclear detonation code in some provinces.
This is all true, by the way. You just have to go to the right websites.
THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CASKET
Because when you’re going to rot in a hole in the ground, you may as well do it with officially licensed MLB gear.
Michael Clair runs Old Time Family Baseball. To the best of the Baseball Continuum’s knowledge, he does not actually own any of these items, but you’d have to check with him to make sure. -DG