It’s Friday the 13th, so here are my greatest baseball fears (these are mostly meant to be humorous):
- I go to a ballgame, have to leave early due to some external circumstance, miss a no-hitter, and get ticked off at whoever it was that caused the external circumstance.
- Some family member or friend schedules a wedding, Bar Mitzvah, funeral, or other major event during an elimination game of the World Series. Had the 2008 World Series gone to Game 7, this would have happened and I would have probably ruined the Bat Mitzvah of a family friend.
- Even worse than that: the power goes out during the playoffs. The horror…. the horror.
- Or even worse than THAT: a blackout brought about by a dispute between the TV station and the cable provider. A torch and/or pitchfork would probably be involved.
- Another work stoppage. I was four when the last one happened so I had no clue. I have a hard enough time getting through the off-season. A work stoppage would probably cause me to enter a grief-coma or something. Is a grief-coma a thing? I don’t know.
- I miss a walk-off play in deep extra innings because of my bladder.
- Line drive to the face.
- Line drive to the groin.
- Really, line drives in general are terrifying.
- Hard enough grounders, too, especially if they are bouncing.
- Somebody other than Andrelton Simmons wins Gold Glove for SS in the NL this season, causing the baseball-related internet to enter a conflagration that would make the Trout-Cabrera WAR debate of last year look like a campfire.
- No, seriously, he’s had one of the best defensive seasons in history. If he doesn’t win, the baseball-related internet will probably cease to exist. The center will not hold, the falcon will not be able to hear the falconer…
- Finally: I’m somehow managing a major league team, my team is down in the ninth, and Mariano Rivera is coming in.