If you have 230+ dollars and are willing to break trademark law, then you, too, can be Mr. Met

While looking for some Bizarre Baseball Culture on eBay, I came across something else….

Above, you see a “BASEBALL BALLPLAYER ADULT SIZE CARTOON MASCOT COSTUME” available from “sinooceantrade” on eBay. And, for $229.99 plus potential shipping, it can be YOURS via eBay. Seems totally legit.

How legit?

Well, for one thing, the “outter fabric” (sic) is “Short hair velvet”, but the “lining Materials” is “POLYESTER TAFFETA”. I don’t know anything about mascot uniforms or the Mr. Met costume, but I’m sure that it has POLYESTER TAFFETA in it. Also, guess what? It’ll be shipped to you in the finest packaging: “Put into thick box”.

And, that’s not all, look what it has to say about the “characteristic” of the costume:

3.One-piece of the head material :: We use the advanced machine to manufacture POLYFOAM head, it is only one piece, it is stronger and enough hard to avoid to break when it meet strike accidentally ,User head can be protected very well,   but paperboard or foam head was produced by different  paperboard or foam pieces,  they was usually agglutinated by the bad gluewater ,this kind of head is not very firm, and very easily to turn into fragment, At the same time, the gluewater do harm to the User, It makes the User headache or feel unhappy.

4.Breather and vision : User can breath very well when he wears it, there are the hole of eyes and mouth and the neck area, They have enough ventilation for User, User have a good vision from the head eyes or mouth.

5.Eye net: there are plastic net on the costume eye, They can prevent the dust or the others into the User eyes.

6.Waterproof: POLYFOAM material can be Water resistance

7.Costume fabric:  We choose the high quality fabric for our costume. we fill polypropylene cotton Material in the middle of outer and inner fabric, It make the costume soft and verisimilitude.

So… what are you waiting for? You too can get your own soft and verisimilitude-y Mr. Met costume!

Can I interest you in Cy Young’s Coffee Pot? (Semi-Humor*)

While checking eBay for a share to Rochester Community Baseball (no luck!), I instead came across this.

If you don’t want to look at it or the link has gone dead, here’s what it is:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.10.39 PMIt’s a coffee pot that belonged to Cy Young‘s estate, and thus, presumably, Cy Young himself. Yes, you too can pour coffee from the same pot as the winningest pitcher of all time for the low, low price of $999! You may think that price absurd, but you are forgetting that you would be having coffee from the same pot as A BASEBALL GOD. Just like how you will be getting the WORKSMANSHIP OF A BASEBALL GOD if you buy a toolbox from the Cy Young estate.

And that’s not all! Thanks to eBay, you also have the chance of having a flower vase that once belonged to Young, for the low price of $199.99! That’s the same price that can get you a hack saw made in 1879 that also was no doubt passed down through the Young family. Throw in an extra $375 and you can get Cy Young’s tie-clasp!

But, these are nothing compared to the crown jewel of Cy Young’s estate on eBay. No, they all pale in comparison to this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.28.38 PMCY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE.

Yes, you can buy CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE off of eBay. Just imagine what this knife has been used for! For all we know, Denton True Young may once have gotten into a knife-fight with Ty Cobb using this. I mean, we’ll never know for sure, but it can’t be totally discounted, right?

However, my enthusiasm is dampened by the horrible truth that you may not have been able to glean from the above image. No, to see the truth, you must… ENHANCE!

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.39.53 PMLas Vegas, Nevada. What would Cy Young’s knife be doing in Sin City? Well, the truth is, it’s only in Las Vegas a nice legal fiction to hide the truth from us. You see, the real location of Cy Young’s pocket knife is actually about 83 miles northwest of Vegas at a US Military Facility. You know it better as AREA 51. And, deep below A51, a secret alliance of the Illuminati, Knights Templar and the Boras Corporation used blood on the knife to begin a cloning process of Cy Young. Sometime in the next 18 to 22 years, a wave of Cy Young clones will enter the majors, bringing with them the ability to throw complete games on short rest. The entire pitching economy will be overthrown, closers and relievers will be driven to the street, the Rolaids Relief Man award will go unawarded… while the conspirators will profit all the while…

You see, that is why they are now selling it, to get the evidence away from themselves.

“But,” you say, “why would they make it so expensive? It’s over 23 hundred dollars!”

And I say: Gambling debts. Even secret conspiracies did not see Florida Gulf Coast coming this March.

…Anyway. Now you know the truth. Yes… the truth.

Use it as you will.

*I say “semi-humor” because while I make several bad jokes and go on at least one bizarre tangent, it is true that this stuff is on sale on eBay.