Another book I’m reviewing in eBook form, this is 2007’s The 25 Greatest Sports Conspiracy Theories of All Time, by Elliott Kalb. While not just about baseball, at least ten of the “conspiracies” that Kalb talks examines are focused on baseball, and another (the “Michael Jordan’s first retirement was actually a gambling suspension” theory) involves baseball.
(JUMP)
Peter Gammons now has a Grantland-style website.
That is all.
While checking eBay for a share to Rochester Community Baseball (no luck!), I instead came across this.
If you don’t want to look at it or the link has gone dead, here’s what it is:
It’s a coffee pot that belonged to Cy Young‘s estate, and thus, presumably, Cy Young himself. Yes, you too can pour coffee from the same pot as the winningest pitcher of all time for the low, low price of $999! You may think that price absurd, but you are forgetting that you would be having coffee from the same pot as A BASEBALL GOD. Just like how you will be getting the WORKSMANSHIP OF A BASEBALL GOD if you buy a toolbox from the Cy Young estate.
And that’s not all! Thanks to eBay, you also have the chance of having a flower vase that once belonged to Young, for the low price of $199.99! That’s the same price that can get you a hack saw made in 1879 that also was no doubt passed down through the Young family. Throw in an extra $375 and you can get Cy Young’s tie-clasp!
But, these are nothing compared to the crown jewel of Cy Young’s estate on eBay. No, they all pale in comparison to this:
CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE.
Yes, you can buy CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE off of eBay. Just imagine what this knife has been used for! For all we know, Denton True Young may once have gotten into a knife-fight with Ty Cobb using this. I mean, we’ll never know for sure, but it can’t be totally discounted, right?
However, my enthusiasm is dampened by the horrible truth that you may not have been able to glean from the above image. No, to see the truth, you must… ENHANCE!
Las Vegas, Nevada. What would Cy Young’s knife be doing in Sin City? Well, the truth is, it’s only in Las Vegas a nice legal fiction to hide the truth from us. You see, the real location of Cy Young’s pocket knife is actually about 83 miles northwest of Vegas at a US Military Facility. You know it better as AREA 51. And, deep below A51, a secret alliance of the Illuminati, Knights Templar and the Boras Corporation used blood on the knife to begin a cloning process of Cy Young. Sometime in the next 18 to 22 years, a wave of Cy Young clones will enter the majors, bringing with them the ability to throw complete games on short rest. The entire pitching economy will be overthrown, closers and relievers will be driven to the street, the Rolaids Relief Man award will go unawarded… while the conspirators will profit all the while…
You see, that is why they are now selling it, to get the evidence away from themselves.
“But,” you say, “why would they make it so expensive? It’s over 23 hundred dollars!”
And I say: Gambling debts. Even secret conspiracies did not see Florida Gulf Coast coming this March.
…Anyway. Now you know the truth. Yes… the truth.
Use it as you will.
*I say “semi-humor” because while I make several bad jokes and go on at least one bizarre tangent, it is true that this stuff is on sale on eBay.
“What are we going to do this week, Dan?”
“The same thing we do most weeks, readers… try to find Bizarre Baseball Culture!”
(JUMP)
So, I finally broke down and started reading eBooks. I dunno how I’ll do with it, since I so much like the feel of the paper page and reading things on a computer always seems to lead me to getting distracted a lot, but, hey, it’ll let me read some books I otherwise wouldn’t have read, such as this one: Cellar Dwellers, by Jonathan Weeks
As the name suggests, this book is about the crummiest teams in baseball history, ranging from the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys to the 2003 Tigers. Each chapters is about a team, and gives some background on how the team became so crummy, some bright spots (for example, a 21-year-old Walter Johnson went 13-25 on the 1909 Senators despite a 2.22 ERA) and particularly bad players, while also spreading in some color about how baseball was at the time.
Overall, it’s a good breezy read, full of little anecdotes (some of which may be apocryphal, given old-time baseball writers love of exaggeration) and horrific statistics that further show how bad some of the teams covered were. There is even a bit at the end that features “dishonorable mentions”.
However, there are some sins of omission, with some of my favorite stories or bad teams not making the cut. For example, Weeks does not include Eddie Kolb of the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, who was a clerk and semi-pro player who was hired from a local tobacco shop to pitch the final game of the season. Seriously, that really happened, and I was kind of disappointed it wasn’t included.
That is a small quibble, however. Overall, while hardly a groundbreaking work by any means, I’d recommend Cellar Dwellers to anybody looking for a quick read about bad teams.
This book was reviewed using an eBook from my local library’s website.
Prologue:
(Note: If you want the review, just go to the jump)
September 8, 2015. Another lost season for the Buffalo Upstatesmen, the long-time butt of jokes in the Northeast Division of the Eastern Association of the Unified North American League. 38 games out of first, over 24 games out of the Wild Card. They were going to, barring some sort of 0-for-the-rest-of-the-season streak, finally finish with fewer than 100 losses, the first time in god-knows-when, but, still, a lost season. All that was left now was to avoid having the worst record in the league and maybe give some of the young guns some good September-callup experience.
Now, they were in the top of the 10th, tied 5-5 against the Atlanta Georgians. At one point, they’d held a 5-2 lead, but then a 3-run homer by Barry Davis off Bryan Absher tied it up. If there was one thing that the Upstatesmen had going for them, though, it was their bullpen, so the team’s skipper was hopeful. Jorge Apodaca, the star reliever of the Upstatesmen who’s stamina on the mound was good enough where he had been used as a starter once or twice, now was going to begin his second inning. Just in case, Shawn Gardner had begun warming up in the ‘pen.
The inning didn’t start well- Juan Martinez got to first on an infield hit and then was replaced by the speedier Jorge Gonzalez, who’d been rated as a 20-20 threat on the basepaths by the scouting department. Thankfully, Zachary Jenkins then had a weak flyout. Next came a pinch-hitter for the pitcher-spot (which had moved up to the 6-slot earlier in the game on a double switch): Gabriel Garcia. An okay hitter, batting .280 on the year with four homers.
He wouldn’t do anything, however. On the first pitch, Gonzalez stole second. Immediately, Apodaca was ordered to walk Garcia to set up a double play. Now up to the plate came Jorge Lujan, a September call-up. The first pitch was a strike… and Gonzalez stole third without a throw. For a second, Buffalo’s skipper considered walking Lujan to set up a force at any base. But he had faith in Apodaca, and he was rewarded with the strikeout.
2 outs, men at the corners. The light-hitting Juan Lopez coming up. Apodaca wouldn’t let him reach base- he struck him out.
To the bottom of the 11th they went, facing righty Jorge Rodriguez: Jeff Cochran flew out, pinch-hitter Bill Hatcher grounded out. Up came Bruce Cunningham. Once the number two prospect in the league, he’d been disappointing during his previous stints in the bigs. This was his third September call-up, and he’d yet to get a permanent position.
Whack! The ball chopped on the ground, past the second baseman, and into right. A man was now on with two out. Walt McKay was now coming to the plate. Like Cunningham, McKay was a top prospect who had had trouble in the big leagues, although his ability to hit righties had kept him with a constant position ever since he had been drafted. There would be no heroism here, however, as he grounded out to end the 11th inning.
Shawn Gardner came in for the top of the twelfth, along with Hayden Caswell, the ordinary 2nd Baseman, who was being brought in as a defensive replacement. Gardner worked around a leadoff single, and to the bottom of the 12th the game went. Cornell Goodwin grounded out, but then Vicente Candelaria, the slow-moving slugger from Massachusetts, somehow got on with an infield hit, and was pinch-hit for by Mike Dunn. Ricardo Gonzalez, the hard-hitting Puerto Rican 3B, stepped to the plate… and fanned. Bryan Castle didn’t fare much better.
Gardner pitched a scoreless top of the 13th. Meanwhile, some of the starters ran out to the bullpen. Collin Perry came out to pitch for the Georgians, and promptly walked Hayden Caswell. Cochran would line out and then Christian Martin- pinch-hitting for Gardner- grounded out (moving Caswell to second), but Bruce Cunningham flew out, ending the inning.
Eugene O’Neal pitched a scoreless top of the inning, and then the bottom half started promisingly, as McKay doubled. The Georgians intentionally walked Cornell Goodwin, and then came Mike Dunn, who had earlier pinch-run for Candelaria. The skipper for the Upstatesmen regretted the move, as he could have used the big bat that had hit 25 home runs so far this year. Thankfully, he had another bat on the bench: Manuel Leon, a big slugger they’d found doing well in the Venezuelan League and had given a shot… and had not been disappointed, at least at the plate: with 18 HRs this year despite a pitiful .238 batting average.
He shot the ball on the ground through the box and into the outfield. The speedy McKay was waved home, but the good arm of centerfielder Jorge Ortiz was ready. It was a close play, a slide, a gasp going through the stadium….
and then the Umpire’s call: OUT!
The Upstatesmen had gambled, trying to get a final victory… but had failed. At least for now. Ricardo Gonzalez came to the plate, with two men still on and one out. He too, hit a sharp grounder, but unlike Leon, his ball wouldn’t find the outfield, as the Atlanta 2B snagged it and got him at first. There were now two men in scoring position, but now there were two outs. Brian Castle stepped to the plate… and popped out.
Out of the bullpen now came Jack Hoffman, a crummy starter with an okay cutter but not much else. Two years ago, he’d lost 21 games. The hope, the manager for the Upstatesmen had, was that maybe he could go an inning before he was pinch-hit for in the bottom half.
In a minor miracle, Hoffman just gave up one hit, and the game went into the bottom of the 15th tied. Not like it mattered, as the Upstatesmen went down 1-2-3. Jack Bray, a lefty picked up from St. Louis earlier in the year, worked a scoreless top of the 16th.. but, once again, the Upstatesmen couldn’t capitalize.
Ty “Tank” Edwards, a long-reliever who also was the Upstatesmen 5th starter on weeks when the starting rotation was being hit by injuries. He sent down the Georgians one-two-three. To the bottom of the 17th the game went. Leon struck out, Gonzalez walked, and then up came Brian Castle, who quickly worked a 2-1 count.
AND THEN HE FOUND A GOOD FASTBALL!
The ball flew deep, deep into the night to right-center… and over the fence! The Upstatesmen had won it 7-5 in 17 innings!
….
(JUMP)
One of the most underused but coolest (no pun intended) superpowers is that involving ice. I’m not sure why I think this. Perhaps it’s because of the Western New Yorker in me who full knows what it’s like to fall on your butt on a icy day, or maybe it’s because it’s a contrast to all the superpowers that rely upon warm temperatures or fire.
Either way, it’s kind of a bummer that so few heroes seem to have it- it seems to be more of a villain power. There’s Mr. Freeze, for example, and Captain Cold. The only ice-hero I can think of off the top of my head is Iceman from the X-Men.
But there is also one called Sub-Zero, a Venusian who landed on Earth and used his freezing powers to fight crime in stories published by Novelty Press.
…I don’t know why a Venusian would have ice powers either. But he did appear in a baseball story, so he’s now going to be in the rare company of superheroes who have been featured in BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE!
This story, from December 1940 in Blue Bolt Comics #7, can be found here, starting on page 21.
Matt Harvey has taken NYC by storm, but that doesn’t mean he’s as recognizable as guys who’ve been in New York for years like David Wright or Derek Jeter, as this clip from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon proves:
You know how when you come across a movie on cable, they give you a brief description?
Well, here are some baseball movies that must be made, and what their cable TV description would be:
BOBBLEHEAD THE MOVIE: A 1960s bobblehead is forced to come out of retirement to lead his team over more realistically-proportioned action figures. Starring the vocal talents of Kevin Costner, Rainn Wilson.
MURDER MOST FOWL: After the shocking murder of Mrs. Met, the San Diego Chicken must lead the hunt for the mascot responsible. Starring Ted Giannoulas and the guy in the Mr. Met costume.
BAY OF PUIGS: A greedy baseball agent finances a invasion of Cuba, looking to open it up in order to find more talent to sign. Starring William Dafoe and Pitbull.
MINOR PROBLEMS: The GM of a minor league baseball team must escape assassins sent to kill him after a disastrous “Russian Heritage Night”. Starring Paul Giamatti and Zooey Deschanel.
HOSS: The tale of the pitching deity and dapper gent is brought to life. Rated NC-17 for language, violence, excessive drinking, opium use and syphilis.
DINOSAUR BASEBALL: Dinosaurs play baseball —*Television explodes from the awesomeness before you can finish reading it.*
Normally I’d wait until an off-topic Thursday to do this, but I’ve decided to do this while the film is still fresh in my memory.
So, let’s cut to the chase: as an example of “film as art”, Pacific Rim may not be a great movie. It might not even be a good one. It doesn’t have much of a driving moral lesson or deep characters, nor does it provoke thoughts about what it means to be human. You can see 90% of the twists coming and you can spot references or scenes that are much like those in other films. No major new ground is broken.
However, as far as “film as entertainment”, Pacific Rim is a great movie, a eat-your-popcorn-and-enjoy-the-show experience that is also something that is an increasingly rare thing in modern movies: something new and original, and not a sequel, prequel, remake, adaptation or based on a true story.
That isn’t to say that Pacific Rim is something completely new. No, far from it. This is a film that follows in the footsteps of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Star Wars, paying tribute to previous traditions while putting a new spin on them. In the case of Pacific Rim, director Guillermo del Toro is paying tribute to Japanese Science Fiction in general and the kaiju (giant monsters- Godzilla, Mothra, etc.) and mecha (giant robots) genres in particular.
Now, with that introduction of my most basic thoughts and a quick primer on the film out of the way, go below the jump to see what I liked and what I didn’t about Pacific Rim.
The Baseball Continuum 