Oh boy. The whole saga over Alex Rodriguez keeps getting weirder and weirder. With each passing day, he seems to be finding some new doctor, tweeting out something, making some sort of appearance on radio or TV, or coming under some sort of further Biogenesis news.

So, how does it end? I have come up with EVERY POSSIBLE OUTCOME, and listed them below:

1. Alex Rodriguez does early August rehab and is back with the Yankees sometime that month before getting suspended in some way by the end of the year. Because, really, at this point, there is no way he is avoiding getting suspended.
2. Alex Rodriguez goes through rehab, but then is suspended for going over the Yankees’ head with getting a second opinion, so he doesn’t actually start until late August. THEN he gets suspended by MLB.
3. Alex Rodriguez uses various legal tricks and appeals to play but then is suspended in the off-season.
4. Alex Rodriguez is suspended by MLB before he can actually play in the majors this season.
5. Alex Rodriguez suffers another injury set-back and doesn’t play.
6. Alex Rodriguez just up and retires to avoid all of the Biogenesis and injury stuff.
7. Alex Rodriguez cuts a deal with MLB about this whole Biogenesis stuff, is out the rest of the season and probably next year too, but then tries to make a comeback in 2015.
8. Alex Rodriguez fights the Biogenesis investigation, loses, and is either suspended for a very long time or is just upright banned.
9. Various variations of 1 through 8.
10. (From this point on, it’s humor) It is revealed that the Alex Rodriguez everyone has been watching since he went to the Rangers is actually a magically-hidden centaur doppelganger and that the real Alex Rodriguez has been in a cryogenic chamber somewhere near Seattle since 2000.
11. Brian Cashman, finally having reached his breaking point with all of this nonsense, challenges A-Rod to a duel to the death.
12. Alex Rodriguez is seen with somebody like Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes or something, causing Deadspin and TMZ to collide, forming a black hole that sucks up the entire internet.
13. Alex Rodriguez begins to go under the alias of “Carlos Danger”.
14. Alex Rodriguez, hoping to show just how fine and game ready he is, does a workout in his driveway in front of assembled media.
15. Alex Rodriguez announces that his home planet needs him, leaves, and is never heard from again.
16. Alex Rodriguez tries to sneak onto the field of a Yankees game by trying to go incognito as Dandy, the Yankees’ short-lived mascot.
17. It turns out that “Biogenesis” was the name of his sleigh.
18. It is revealed that Alex Rodriguez’s entire career has taken place inside of a snowglobe and the imagination of an autistic child.
19. Goes to Taiwan, where people will still pack the stadium just to see him.
20. Alex Rodriguez goes and buys some Shwarma.
21. Alex Rodriguez moves to Vegas and spends the rest of his days signing memorabilia.
22. Sits in his room for rest of his days eating ice cream and watching Ice Station Zebra. Hey, it worked for Howard Hughes.
23. He not only makes it back, but he hits a dramatic walkoff home run that hits the light standards and causes them to explode.
24. Due to a quirk in the CBA, is suspended but is able to continue playing in the minor leagues, where he tutors young prospects or something.
25. Alex Rodriguez wakes up from his nap, turns and sees Ken Griffey Jr. in the locker next to him, and says “You won’t believe the dream I just had.”