(Blogathon ’16) Stacey Gotsulias: Sonnet 13

This guest-post is part of the 2016 Baseball Continuum Blogathon For Charity, benefiting the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation. The Roswell Park Alliance Foundation is the charitable arm of Roswell Park Cancer Institute and funds raised will be “put to immediate use to increase the pace from research trials into improved clinical care, to ensure state-of-the-art facilities, and to help improve the quality of life for patients and their families.” Please donate through the Blogathon’s GoFundMe page. Also, please note that the opinions and statements of the writer are not necessarily those of the Baseball Continuum or it’s webmaster.

With my heartfelt apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and her fans…

“Sonnet 13”

How do I love A-Rod? Let me count the ways.
I love A-Rod to the beauty of his swing and length of his home runs and pace of his trot around the bases
Even when I’m not at the Stadium or watching on TV
My feelings are big as Doug Eddings’ strike zone.
I love A-Rod during every single day game and at night, even if he goes 0-6 with four strikeouts
I love A-Rod freely, as others boo him vociferously
I love A-Rod purely, as others write vigorously, articles of his demise
I love A-Rod with the passion most have for their spouses or children
In my older, more wise age, and with the same faith as my 10 year old self.
I love A-Rod with a love I didn’t even know I had
With my lost family, friends and lovers. I love A-Rod with every breath,
every smile, every cry for his entire career even after his eventual retirement
I shall but love A-Rod better after baseball, when he’s broadcasting alongside Joe Buck on Fox.


Stacey Gotsulias is a freelance sportswriter whose work has appeared both online and in print. She currently writes for It’s About The Money, which is the Yankees’ blog on ESPN’s SweetSpot Network and for The Hardball Times.

This guest-post has been part of the 2016 Baseball Continuum Blogathon For Charity, benefiting the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation. The Roswell Park Alliance Foundation is the charitable arm of Roswell Park Cancer Institute and funds raised will be “put to immediate use to increase the pace from research trials into improved clinical care, to ensure state-of-the-art facilities, and to help improve the quality of life for patients and their families.” Please donate through the Blogathon’s GoFundMe page. Also, please note that the opinions and statements of the writer were not necessarily those of the Baseball Continuum or it’s webmaster.

30 Teams, 30 Posts (2015): Alex Rodriguez’s arrival at Yankees camp, in the minds of some people (SATIRE)

In 30 Teams, 30 Posts, I write a post about every MLB team in some way in the lead-up to the beginning of the 2015 season. Today, I talk about Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees by showing you an alternate world where Alex Rodriguez’s arrival at Yankee camp was as horrific as some people thought it would be or make it out to be:

We all feared this day would come. We told ourselves it was just a bad dream, a prophecy that would never be fulfilled.

But, alas, that bleak day happened. Alex Rodriguez, baseball’s greatest monster, arrived at Yankee Spring Training on Monday, coming days early by way of an ominous Zeppelin of Doom, powered by the tears of orphans and the death-cries of starved kittens.

After all, that is what Alex Rodriguez is all about. Himself. Some would move with the flow, be one with the team. But not Alex Rodriguez. Everything about him is looking out for number one. And yet, he is one of the ones who he has failed, right alongside his family, his team, his sport, America, and, indeed, all of mankind.

And, yet, he doesn’t even seem to know what, exactly, he has done wrong. Not today, not yesterday, not ever.

“Some of the mistakes.”

“Would not elaborate on what they were.”

Oh, and he said that while drinking the blood of a hapless victim. But that’s now important: he wouldn’t elaborate.

How could you not elaborate, Alex? Perhaps it is because of all of them. After all, your many crimes may include some of the following:

  • Lying
  • Getting caught with steroids
  • Using steroids in the first place
  • Kidnapping a young damsel and tying her to train tracks
  • Assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand and indirectly starting World War One
  • The ending of Man of Steel
  • Misplacing Thurman Thomas’ helmet in Super Bowl XXVI
  • Slapping at Bronson Arroyo’s glove
  • Tricking Howie Clark
  • Global Warming
  • Selling the rights to the X-Men and Fantastic Four to FOX Studios, thus depriving the world of seeing The Hulk fight The Thing and Wolverine hanging out with Captain America during WWII.
  • The Union’s defeat at Bull Run
  • The throwing of the 1919 World Series
  • The Lego Movie not being nominated for Best Animated Feature
  • The demise of MVP Baseball
  • Ken Griffey Jr.’s injuries
  • The episode of Lost about Jack’s tattoo
  • The disappearance of Flight 19
  • Centaurs

That’s a lot of potential things you could have possibly done, and the fact that most of them you had nothing to do with has nothing to do with that, A-Rod. You are a disgrace, a fraud, and a poo-poo head. Please go away.

In reality, of course, nothing interesting happened and amazingly nobody went quite this over-the-top with their blistering hot-take thinkpieces. Although we did get this picture of  journalists trying to catch a peek of his workout from a distance:

Every way (well, 25 ways) the A-Rod madness might end (HUMOR after awhile)

Oh boy. The whole saga over Alex Rodriguez keeps getting weirder and weirder. With each passing day, he seems to be finding some new doctor, tweeting out something, making some sort of appearance on radio or TV, or coming under some sort of further Biogenesis news.

So, how does it end? I have come up with EVERY POSSIBLE OUTCOME, and listed them below:

  1. Alex Rodriguez does early August rehab and is back with the Yankees sometime that month before getting suspended in some way by the end of the year. Because, really, at this point, there is no way he is avoiding getting suspended.
  2. Alex Rodriguez goes through rehab, but then is suspended for going over the Yankees’ head with getting a second opinion, so he doesn’t actually start until late August. THEN he gets suspended by MLB.
  3. Alex Rodriguez uses various legal tricks and appeals to play but then is suspended in the off-season.
  4. Alex Rodriguez is suspended by MLB before he can actually play in the majors this season.
  5. Alex Rodriguez suffers another injury set-back and doesn’t play.
  6. Alex Rodriguez just up and retires to avoid all of the Biogenesis and injury stuff.
  7. Alex Rodriguez cuts a deal with MLB about this whole Biogenesis stuff, is out the rest of the season and probably next year too, but then tries to make a comeback in 2015.
  8. Alex Rodriguez fights the Biogenesis investigation, loses, and is either suspended for a very long time or is just upright banned.
  9. Various variations of 1 through 8.
  10. (From this point on, it’s humor) It is revealed that the Alex Rodriguez everyone has been watching since he went to the Rangers is actually a magically-hidden centaur doppelganger and that the real Alex Rodriguez has been in a cryogenic chamber somewhere near Seattle since 2000.
  11. Brian Cashman, finally having reached his breaking point with all of this nonsense, challenges A-Rod to a duel to the death.
  12. Alex Rodriguez is seen with somebody like Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes or something, causing Deadspin and TMZ to collide, forming a black hole that sucks up the entire internet.
  13. Alex Rodriguez begins to go under the alias of “Carlos Danger”.
  14. Alex Rodriguez, hoping to show just how fine and game ready he is, does a workout in his driveway in front of assembled media.
  15. Alex Rodriguez announces that his home planet needs him, leaves, and is never heard from again.
  16. Alex Rodriguez tries to sneak onto the field of a Yankees game by trying to go incognito as Dandy, the Yankees’ short-lived mascot.
  17. It turns out that “Biogenesis” was the name of his sleigh.
  18. It is revealed that Alex Rodriguez’s entire career has taken place inside of a snowglobe and the imagination of an autistic child.
  19. Goes to Taiwan, where people will still pack the stadium just to see him.
  20. Alex Rodriguez goes and buys some Shwarma.
  21. Alex Rodriguez moves to Vegas and spends the rest of his days signing memorabilia.
  22. Sits in his room for rest of his days eating ice cream and watching Ice Station Zebra. Hey, it worked for Howard Hughes.
  23. He not only makes it back, but he hits a dramatic walkoff home run that hits the light standards and causes them to explode.
  24. Due to a quirk in the CBA, is suspended but is able to continue playing in the minor leagues, where he tutors young prospects or something.
  25. Alex Rodriguez wakes up from his nap, turns and sees Ken Griffey Jr. in the locker next to him, and says “You won’t believe the dream I just had.”

Humor: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS ALEX RODRIGUEZ?

The Yankees have seemingly sent Alex Rodriguez into hiding, to keep him away from reporters and paparazzi.

Not going to stop me.
I know EXACTLY where Alex Rodriguez is. He’s somewhere here:

Yes, Alex Rodriguez is somewhere on Planet Earth. Oh, sure, it is not impossible, given his great wealth, that he has fled to Mars, Alpha Centauri or Altair IV, but there is no evidence he has done so, as we would have been able to see his Warp Signature, or something (any Star Trek fans out there, feel free to correct me).

So, where on Earth is Alex Rodriguez? Has he donned a red hat and coat? Or is he going the red-and-white shirt route?

Nobody knows.

That said, let’s face it, this is Alex Rodriguez. He lives in Florida (especially Miami) but reportedly has houses or apartments in the New York Metropolitan Area and near Los Angeles. So, uh… start there.

So, yeah, not specific, but there you go.

The End of A-Rod

Today was the end of the Age of A-Rod. Oh, he might not realize it yet, although I suppose he might, but I would be shocked if he plays again, and if he does play, I doubt he will even be a shadow of the shadow of his old self. Because, today, he was named in a Miami New Times (a news weekly in… Miami) report on an anti-aging clinic called Biogenesis. In addition to Alex Rodriguez, the New Times noted mentions in files that indicate that Melky Cabrera, Yasmani Grandal, Bartolo Colon, Nelson Cruz, Gio Gonzalez as well as Jimmy Goins, the strength and conditioning coach of the University of Miami baseball team. Gonzalez and Cruz, to the best of my knowledge, had never been linked to PEDs before today, although Gio Gonzalez’s case is seemingly connected to things that may not be banned and they listed no specifics on Nelson Cruz.

However, make no doubt, this is a story that, at least initially, is all about Alex Rodriguez. Remember, in 2009, he had claimed that he had ceased using performance-enhancers in 2003, but this report seems to suggest otherwise. This also likely means that he was using PEDs during the 2009 postseason, the one postseason where Alex Rodriguez hit like the elite player he was during the regular season.

And so, Alex Rodriguez, who already could be out the whole season due to his injury, and who has a gigantic albatross of a contract, now has been shown to possibly be a liar and a continued cheater. The New York Yankees, no doubt, want him to just sort of disappear, and are no doubt going through his contract looking for something, anything that could provide them an out. It’s doubtful that they can.

But it’s possible they won’t need to: with his injury, Rodriguez could, maybe, decide to call it a career. While it seems unlikely that he will, it could be the only way he’ll be able to escape this on anything even remotely resembling his own terms.

Time will tell what happens.