WACKINESS OF 2013: The Grand Cy Young Cloning Conspiracy Is Revealed On eBay

From July 31, one of the wackier bits of this year’s Continuum, originally published as “Can I interest you in Cy Young’s Coffee Pot? (Semi-Humor*)“:
While checking eBay for a share to Rochester Community Baseball (no luck!), I instead came across this.

If you don’t want to look at it or the link has gone dead, here’s what it is:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.10.39 PMIt’s a coffee pot that belonged to Cy Young‘s estate, and thus, presumably, Cy Young himself. Yes, you too can pour coffee from the same pot as the winningest pitcher of all time for the low, low price of $999! You may think that price absurd, but you are forgetting that you would be having coffee from the same pot as A BASEBALL GOD. Just like how you will be getting the WORKSMANSHIP OF A BASEBALL GOD if you buy a toolbox from the Cy Young estate.

And that’s not all! Thanks to eBay, you also have the chance of having a flower vase that once belonged to Young, for the low price of $199.99! That’s the same price that can get you a hack saw made in 1879 that also was no doubt passed down through the Young family. Throw in an extra $375 and you can get Cy Young’s tie-clasp!

But, these are nothing compared to the crown jewel of Cy Young’s estate on eBay. No, they all pale in comparison to this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.28.38 PMCY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE.

Yes, you can buy CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE off of eBay. Just imagine what this knife has been used for! For all we know, Denton True Young may once have gotten into a knife-fight with Ty Cobb using this. I mean, we’ll never know for sure, but it can’t be totally discounted, right?

However, my enthusiasm is dampened by the horrible truth that you may not have been able to glean from the above image. No, to see the truth, you must… ENHANCE!

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.39.53 PMLas Vegas, Nevada. What would Cy Young’s knife be doing in Sin City? Well, the truth is, it’s only in Las Vegas a nice legal fiction to hide the truth from us. You see, the real location of Cy Young’s pocket knife is actually about 83 miles northwest of Vegas at a US Military Facility. You know it better as AREA 51. And, deep below A51, a secret alliance of the Illuminati, Knights Templar and the Boras Corporation used blood on the knife to begin a cloning process of Cy Young. Sometime in the next 18 to 22 years, a wave of Cy Young clones will enter the majors, bringing with them the ability to throw complete games on short rest. The entire pitching economy will be overthrown, closers and relievers will be driven to the street, the Rolaids Relief Man award will go unawarded… while the conspirators will profit all the while…

You see, that is why they are now selling it, to get the evidence away from themselves.

“But,” you say, “why would they make it so expensive? It’s over 23 hundred dollars!”

And I say: Gambling debts. Even secret conspiracies did not see Florida Gulf Coast coming this March.

…Anyway. Now you know the truth. Yes… the truth.

Use it as you will.

*I say “semi-humor” because while I make several bad jokes and go on at least one bizarre tangent, it is true that this stuff is on sale on eBay.

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MISTAKES OF 2013: The Stupid Hat-In-The-Scanner Trick

Not everything I did on the Continuum was good. Some of it was bad. For example, this, uhm, “post” from August 9.

I don’t know why, exactly, I have an Athletics cap, but I decided to put it in a scanner. This is what it looked like:

AthleticsCapScanned

(NOW LET’S FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED, OKAY?)

Agent Fight! Agent Fight!

There was a fight between agents during the Winter Meetings today. One guy threatened to burn the other guy’s house down. Jeff Passan has the story over at Yahoo! Sports, and he makes a reference to Punch-Out! in it, which is awesome.

Yesterday was nuts

Well, that escalated quickly.

You know how I made that post about how crazy it could get in the winter meetings? Y’know, with the name of the Mystery Team, the free agents and traded players all redacted? Well, as yesterday went on, it became a lot less likely and a lot less intentionally funny.

So, for those of you who missed it, this happened yesterday:

  • The Orioles traded the ever hot-and-cold Jim Johnson to the Athletics for Jemile Weeks, a prospect, and perhaps some magic beans. This was late Monday, but I really didn’t hear about it until I woke up on Tuesday.
  • The Red Sox signed AJ Pierzynski.
  • The Tigers signed Joe Nathan.
  • The Rays, Reds and Diamondbacks had a three-way trade that ended with Tampa getting Ryan Hanigan and Heath Bell.
  • It came out that that Mariners apparently are in on Robinson Cano.
  • The Padres traded Luke Gregerson to the A’s for Seth Smith.
  • The Astros got Dexter Fowler from the Rockies.
  • The Marlins signed Jarrod Saltalamacchia to a three-year deal.
  • The Yankees signed Jacoby Ellsbury to a seven-year deal, $153 million dollar deal that is absolutely absurd given his injury history and the fact that he’s 30 years old.
  • The Rockies signed Justin Morneau to a two-year deal.
  • Oh, and we found out this morning that Paul Konerko will return for the White Sox this year, after speculation he would retire, and that Brandon Phillips will likely be back with the Reds, after speculation he would be traded.

Got all of that?

The Final Mr. Octobers of 2013

The Mr. Octobers for the final game of the 2013 World Series are Shane Victorino (who had 4 RBIs) and John Lackey (who threw 6.2 innings of 1-run ball).

And so, after the final tally, the Baseball Continuum hereby dubs David Ortiz and Jon Lester as the Mr. Octobers of the 2013 Postseason. They get, uhm… nothing. Still, congratulations!

Standings (PP= Position Player, P= Pitcher):

PP David Ortiz– 38

P Jon Lester– 23

PP Shane Victorino– 21

PP Matt Holliday– 18

PP Carlos Beltran– 16

P Koji Uehara– 16

P John Lackey– 15

P Justin Verlander– 14

P Michael Wacha– 13

P Clayton Kershaw– 11

P Max Scherzer– 11

P Zack Greinke– 10

P Carlos Martinez– 10

PP Yadier Molina– 10

PP Jonny Gomes – 10

P Felix Doubront– 10

P Adam Wainwright– 9

PP Jhonny Peralta – 8

PP Adrian Gonzalez– 8

PP David Freese – 6

PP Miguel Cabrera– 6

P Anibal Sanchez – 5

P Hyun-jin Ryu– 5

PP Yasiel Puig– 5

P Carlos Martinez– 5

PP Austin Jackson– 5

P Doug Fister– 5

PP Mike Napoli– 5

P Sonny Gray-3

P Gerrit Cole– 3

PP Pedro Alvarez– 3

P Mike Minor– 3

PP Hanley Ramirez– 3

PP Yoenis Cespedes– 3

P Jason Grilli– 3

PP Carl Crawford– 3

P Chris Capuano– 3

PP Seth Smith– 3

P Dan Otero– 3

PP Jose Lobaton-3

P Jake McGee-3

PP Juan Uribe-3

PP (Position Player) Russell Martin– 1

P (Pitcher) Francisco Liriano– 1

PP Desmond Jennings– 1

P Alex Cobb– 1

Headlines from around the Continuum: October 31, 2013

Baseball-related headlines from the Newseum:

(Note that I try to copy the style of the paper as well, hence why some are in ALL CAPS while others aren’t. Also, I ignored extremely basic headlines like “World Series Preview” or “Cardinals Win”. I’ll occasionally make an exception for the team’s “home” newspapers)

Headline: Red Sox win 2013 World Series with Game 6 rout of Cardinals

Boston Globe: TESTED AND TRIUMPHANT

Boston Herald: PAPI PARTY! (Another cover on Twitter, possibly for a special section or whatever, says HOME FREE!)

Metro-Boston Edition: BOSTON STRONGEST

St. Louis Post-Dispatch: IT’S OVER

Bakersfield (CA) Californian: SOX IN SIX

La Opinión (Spanish-language Los Angeles): !REYES DEL BEISBOL! (KINGS OF BASEBALL!)

The Gazette (Colorado Springs): BOSTON REIGNS

Hartford (CT) Courant: Boston’s Redemption Song

New Haven (CT) Register: BOSTON THREE PARTY

Fort Myers (FL) News-Press: CHAMPIONS! (Fort Myers is the spring training home of the Red Sox)

Tampa Tribune: FRENZY IN FENWAY

Honolulu Star-Tribune: ‘FLYIN’ HAWAIIAN’ SOARS

Belleville (IL) News-Democrat: Cards go out with a whimper

News-Gazette (Champaign, IL): END OF THE ROAD

Sun-Journal (Lewiston, Maine): SO GOOD, SO GOOD!

The Enterprise (Brockton, Mass.): SOX STRONG

Herald News (Fall River, Mass.): WORLD DOMINATION

Metro West Daily News (Framingham, Mass.): TRIPLE CROWNED

Cape Cod Times: One more time!

Milford (Mass.) Daily News: Believe It!

Standard-Times (New Bedford, Mass.): RAGS to RICHES

Patriot Ledger (Quincy, Mass.): FEN-TASTIC

News Tribune (Jefferson City, MO): WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY

Concord (NH) Monitor: REDEMPTION

Union Leader (Manchester, NH): Finally, Fenway!

The Telegraph (Nashua, NH): REDEEMED

Providence (RI) Journal: CHUMPS TO CHAMPS

Salt Lake Tribune: BOSTON 3 PARTY

Burlington (VT) Free Press: FENWAY MAGIC!

USA TODAY: SOX BRING IT HOME

Edmonton Sun: RED SOX ROCK

Waterloo Region Record (Kitchener, Canada): Party like it’s 1918

Toronto Metro: SOX SOAK IN THE GLORY

Toronto Star: BOSTON STRONGEST

Imagen de Veracruz (Boca del Rio, Mexico): !Solo Boston! (“Only Boston!”)

Reforma (Mexico City): !Con toda la barba! (Roughly “With full beards!” or “In full beards!”)

(Headlines from other countries were more-or-less Spanish translations of some of the more cliche headlines)

Mr. Octobers of Yesterday (October 28, 2013)

The Mr. Octobers of yesterday are David Ortiz (who went 3-4 with an RBI) and Jon Lester (who went 7.2 innings of 4-hit ball, with but one run given up- Matt Holliday‘s home run).

Standings (PP= Position Player, P= Pitcher):

PP David Ortiz– 38

P Jon Lester– 23

PP Matt Holliday– 18

PP Carlos Beltran– 16

P Koji Uehara– 16

P Justin Verlander– 14

P Michael Wacha– 13

P Clayton Kershaw– 11

P Max Scherzer– 11

PP Shane Victorino– 11

P Zack Greinke– 10

P Carlos Martinez– 10

PP Yadier Molina– 10

PP Jonny Gomes – 10

P Felix Doubront– 10

P Adam Wainwright– 9

PP Jhonny Peralta – 8

PP Adrian Gonzalez– 8

PP David Freese – 6

PP Miguel Cabrera– 6

P Anibal Sanchez – 5

P Hyun-jin Ryu– 5

PP Yasiel Puig– 5

P Carlos Martinez– 5

P John Lackey– 5

PP Austin Jackson– 5

P Doug Fister– 5

PP Mike Napoli– 5

P Sonny Gray-3

P Gerrit Cole– 3

PP Pedro Alvarez– 3

P Mike Minor– 3

PP Hanley Ramirez– 3

PP Yoenis Cespedes– 3

P Jason Grilli– 3

PP Carl Crawford– 3

P Chris Capuano– 3

PP Seth Smith– 3

P Dan Otero– 3

PP Jose Lobaton-3

P Jake McGee-3

PP Juan Uribe-3

PP (Position Player) Russell Martin– 1

P (Pitcher) Francisco Liriano– 1

PP Desmond Jennings– 1

P Alex Cobb– 1