How to Tell if a Deadline Deal is Real in Five Easy Steps (Humor)

1. Is it not past the Trade Deadline?

It ended 4:00 PM today, Eastern. So if somebody around midnight starts squawking on Twitter that Marlon Byrd is Bronx-bound or that the Dodgers have shipped Matt Kemp somewhere, they are WRONG. In theory such things could happen if they put them through waivers first, but it’s unlikely to happen this soon after the non-waiver deadline.

2. Is it an actual account?

Because, really, if MLB Network, Jim Bowden and ESPN all fell for various fake Twitter accounts today, so can you. Before you retweet that hot news about Joe Superstar going to City X for Prospect Z, check to see how many followers that account has (I’m going to doubt that the real Buster Olney only has 12 followers), and whether the seemingly-lower-case “L” at the end of “Rosenthal” is actually a upper-case “i” or a | symbol. Unusual spaces in the name or unprofessional profiles are also another clue.

3. Are other people confirming it? Is the team confirming it?

If all of Baseball Twitter is in agreement that the trade has happened, it probably is true. If the team says it happened, it definitely is true.

4. Don’t get fooled by obviously fake trades. The Yankees and Red Sox haven’t traded with each other one-on-one since 1997 and they aren’t going to start now.

Wait… what?

5. Also, assume any trade by Ruben Amaro Jr. of the Phillies is fake, especially if it involves any players from the team’s late-aughts glory years.

Because, seriously, after this year, I’ve come to the conclusion that Amaro won’t get rid of them until they retire.

Drawing Conclusions from Spring Training: Josh Reddick solves the whole world’s problems

As Spring Training games happen, I will have this feature, in which I humorously jump to crazy conclusions based on what has happened in the Spring Training games. These are not meant to be serious.

Today, Josh Reddick solved all the world’s problems when he made these two catches (click here if you can’t see them):

As you can see, with these catches (especially the first one), all of the world’s problems ended. As Reddick scaled the wall like Spider-Man to rob Michael Morse not once but twice, children around the world learned to sing in perfect harmony, lost puppies found their way home, achey backs no longer ached, peace descended on the Middle East, climate change was solved, diseases were cured, and all copies of Batman & Robin spontaneously combusted.

Or something like that.

HUMOR: Drawing Conclusions from Spring Training

As Spring Training games happen, I will have this feature, in which I humorously jump to crazy conclusions based on what has happened in the Spring Training games. These are not meant to be serious.

 

Well, it’s already one day into spring training, and we can already see that the Yankees are doomed. I mean, today they gave up three runs to Florida State, A COLLEGE TEAM. How are they going to beat MLB teams if they give up runs to a few college kids?

But the Tigers, man, they are ready. They blasted Florida Southern 12-0, just like a team of professionals should. Take note, Yankees, this is what a playoff team does- they shut out the amateurs. They didn’t give up three freaking runs. Seriously, the boss would be rolling over in his grave.

WACKINESS OF 2013: The Grand Cy Young Cloning Conspiracy Is Revealed On eBay

From July 31, one of the wackier bits of this year’s Continuum, originally published as “Can I interest you in Cy Young’s Coffee Pot? (Semi-Humor*)“:
While checking eBay for a share to Rochester Community Baseball (no luck!), I instead came across this.

If you don’t want to look at it or the link has gone dead, here’s what it is:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.10.39 PMIt’s a coffee pot that belonged to Cy Young‘s estate, and thus, presumably, Cy Young himself. Yes, you too can pour coffee from the same pot as the winningest pitcher of all time for the low, low price of $999! You may think that price absurd, but you are forgetting that you would be having coffee from the same pot as A BASEBALL GOD. Just like how you will be getting the WORKSMANSHIP OF A BASEBALL GOD if you buy a toolbox from the Cy Young estate.

And that’s not all! Thanks to eBay, you also have the chance of having a flower vase that once belonged to Young, for the low price of $199.99! That’s the same price that can get you a hack saw made in 1879 that also was no doubt passed down through the Young family. Throw in an extra $375 and you can get Cy Young’s tie-clasp!

But, these are nothing compared to the crown jewel of Cy Young’s estate on eBay. No, they all pale in comparison to this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.28.38 PMCY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE.

Yes, you can buy CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE off of eBay. Just imagine what this knife has been used for! For all we know, Denton True Young may once have gotten into a knife-fight with Ty Cobb using this. I mean, we’ll never know for sure, but it can’t be totally discounted, right?

However, my enthusiasm is dampened by the horrible truth that you may not have been able to glean from the above image. No, to see the truth, you must… ENHANCE!

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.39.53 PMLas Vegas, Nevada. What would Cy Young’s knife be doing in Sin City? Well, the truth is, it’s only in Las Vegas a nice legal fiction to hide the truth from us. You see, the real location of Cy Young’s pocket knife is actually about 83 miles northwest of Vegas at a US Military Facility. You know it better as AREA 51. And, deep below A51, a secret alliance of the Illuminati, Knights Templar and the Boras Corporation used blood on the knife to begin a cloning process of Cy Young. Sometime in the next 18 to 22 years, a wave of Cy Young clones will enter the majors, bringing with them the ability to throw complete games on short rest. The entire pitching economy will be overthrown, closers and relievers will be driven to the street, the Rolaids Relief Man award will go unawarded… while the conspirators will profit all the while…

You see, that is why they are now selling it, to get the evidence away from themselves.

“But,” you say, “why would they make it so expensive? It’s over 23 hundred dollars!”

And I say: Gambling debts. Even secret conspiracies did not see Florida Gulf Coast coming this March.

…Anyway. Now you know the truth. Yes… the truth.

Use it as you will.

*I say “semi-humor” because while I make several bad jokes and go on at least one bizarre tangent, it is true that this stuff is on sale on eBay.

There’s going to be a Bull Durham musical. May the Baseball Gods have mercy on our souls.

Exactly what the title of this post says: Bull Durham will become a musical. Yeah, seriously.

Now, I have zero experience in musical theater and only slightly more than zero in theater in general, but I guess I’ll give this a shot, so without further ado, my one-man performance of the Bull Durham musical:

….

No, wait, no, I won’t. Trust me, you wouldn’t want to see it. You’d stab your eyes out, rip your ears out and then skins yourself so that you wouldn’t have any chance of even feeling the vibrations created by my voice. So… yeah. Sorry. (No I’m not.)

 

THE MYSTERY TEAM WILL BE THE ███████

Next week, the Winter Meetings begin in Orlando. And while we no doubt will see funny images on MLB Network like Kevin Millar hanging out with Goofy and Brian Kenny trying to explain to Captain Jack Sparrow why the win stat must be sent to Davey Jones’ locker, ultimately, it will be about one team. What team is that? Why, it’s the ██████████████!

Here’s how it will happen, of course:

The ██████████████, after all, will no doubt be the ones that will be rumored to be signing ███████████ on the first day, and the team that will be behind the massive three-team trade involving ██████████████████, █████████████, and ██████████████, which will feature ███████ and top prospect ███████, amongst others. Everybody will think the deal is nuts, but some will praise the ███████████’s GM, █████ ██████████, for his initiative and brilliant thinking. Others will call for his firing.

Meanwhile, the ██████████████’s current star, ███████ ███████, will then make a funny comment on Twitter about how he fell asleep in his █████████ home a few hours ago and is honestly wondering if he missed anything, and then make a second comment saying that this is the first time he heard about the ███████████ trade. It’ll be retweeted by everyone and become a meme, with people talking about how “█████████ is sleeping, make sure you do your deals now” or what-not. Everyone will be sick of it within 48 hours and it will then be resigned to the dustbin of baseball memes.

Then, however, a lull will fall upon Orlando for most of the second day. Instagrams of Joe Maddon walking around EPCOT and Alex Rodriguez showing up for reasons beyond mortal minds will fill the void while Ken Rosenthal is forced to tell Twitter people that A) he is tall enough to ride Space Mountain so stop asking and B) he’s too busy to go to Disney World right now. But then, the ██████████████ will be rumored to have been talking to Scott Boras. But about who? The speculation will go throughout the day, until finally, we hear that █████████ has signed a deal! Except, it’ll turn out that that report is actually a fake account, and that ██████████ is actually going to somebody completely different.

Overnight, people will start talking about how lots of pizza is arriving at the ██████████████’s suite, and wonder whether this is proof that ██████████████ will be signing ████████. Nothing will really materialize, but, hey, it’ll kill time.

Then, later on, the ██████████████ will make that one final splash, signing ██████████. People will instantly declare them to be World Series favorites…

….and then, in 2014, they’ll miss the playoffs.

Whoops. Well, at least the ██████████████ will always have their great 2013-2014 offseason to remember.

Songs of October: A Retrospective (Because Why Not?)

It’s a sensation that’s spreading across the nation: Mups. Their spread is unstoppable, to the point where some like the “Cespedes Family BBQ” and Jesse Spector have begun to engage in a “#Mupwatch”. But some wonder: What is a Mup? Are they some sort of Muppet? Is it dangerous? And why are they being lit on fire?

Well, the answer lies in the commercials that have been playing in the lead-up to and during the post-season, featuring Fall Out Boy’s “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark”. Here is an example of such a commercial. While officially they are saying “Light ’em up”, it sounds, especially during the echoing segments, like they are actually talking about things called “mups”.

And thus continues a long tradition of October songs that have graced our televisions and infected our ears, whether we liked them or not. And, usually, if we DID like them at the start of the postseason, we end up being sick of them by the end just from hearing them so many times.

And, what’s more, these songs and how they become memes aren’t of a universal source. Most of them, for example, are part of TBS’ coverage, but others, including the latest Fall Out Boy song, are actually of MLB’s doing. Like, TBS is using a different song*,  and MLB Network itself also has a different song for the commercials for it’s two games**. Also, it should be noted that none of them are explicit about baseball, and most of them are more picked for the imagery of their chorus than any type of lyrical sense and fit.

*Using Google searches of the lyrics I was able to decipher, I’ve figured out it’s 30 Seconds to Mars’ “Do or Die”.

**Again using Google, I’ve found that the commercials use the chorus from Papa Roach’s “Still Swingin’“.

Still, with that out of the way, here’s a history (after the jump) of the Songs of October:

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In honor of Friday the 13th: My Greatest Baseball Fears (mostly humor)

It’s Friday the 13th, so here are my greatest baseball fears (these are mostly meant to be humorous):

  • I go to a ballgame, have to leave early due to some external circumstance, miss a no-hitter, and get ticked off at whoever it was that caused the external circumstance.
  • Some family member or friend schedules a wedding, Bar Mitzvah, funeral, or other major event during an elimination game of the World Series. Had the 2008 World Series gone to Game 7, this would have happened and I would have probably ruined the Bat Mitzvah of a family friend.
  • Even worse than that: the power goes out during the playoffs. The horror…. the horror.
  • Or even worse than THAT: a blackout brought about by a dispute between the TV station and the cable provider. A torch and/or pitchfork would probably be involved.
  • Another work stoppage. I was four when the last one happened so I had no clue. I have a hard enough time getting through the off-season. A work stoppage would probably cause me to enter a grief-coma or something. Is a grief-coma a thing? I don’t know.
  • I miss a walk-off play in deep extra innings because of my bladder.
  • Line drive to the face.
  • Line drive to the groin.
  • Really, line drives in general are terrifying.
  • Hard enough grounders, too, especially if they are bouncing.
  • Somebody other than Andrelton Simmons wins Gold Glove for SS in the NL this season, causing the baseball-related internet to enter a conflagration that would make the Trout-Cabrera WAR debate of last year look like a campfire.
  • No, seriously, he’s had one of the best defensive seasons in history. If he doesn’t win, the baseball-related internet will probably cease to exist. The center will not hold, the falcon will not be able to hear the falconer…
  • Finally: I’m somehow managing a major league team, my team is down in the ninth, and Mariano Rivera is coming in.

George Carlin: Baseball and Football

I’ve posted this before, but it’s still a classic, and in honor of the start of the NFL season, I’m posting it again: George Carlin on the differences between baseball and football.