Random wackiness: Things Cespedes may have fallen off of

Yesterday, the world was shocked as it came out that Yoenis Cespedes of the Mets had broken his ankle in an accident on his ranch. While reportedly this had nothing to do with falling off a horse, and instead may have been something as mundanely odd as just stepping into or falling into a hole awkwardly, I have another theory: He fell off something, but it wasn’t a horse.

So, for the sake of absurdity, here is a list of things that Yoenis Cespedes may have fallen off of:

  • Cow
  • Llama
  • Ostrich
  • Emu
  • Donkey (a member of the horse family, but not technically a horse)
  • Zebra (a member of the horse family, but not technically a horse)
  • Rhino
  • An unusually large dog
  • Giraffe
  • Elephant
  • Water buffalo
  • Camel
  • Yak
  • Reindeer
  • Moose
  • Lion
  • Tiger
  • Bear (oh my!)
  • Galapagos tortoise
  • Velociraptor
  • Triceratops
  • Woolly mammoth
  • Large human who was carrying him on their shoulders so he could see from a higher vantage point

Thank you for your time.


On Manny Machado’s injury

Short version:

Longer version:

Injuries happen in all sports, and they can happen at all times, to all players. Nobody is immune. And yesterday’s injury to Manny Machado is further proof of that. Since arriving in the big leagues, he had not missed a game and he had been a staple of highlight reels both on the field and at the plate. And now, in a freak injury, his season is done and it’s entirely possible he may miss a good chunk of next year as well. And, worst of all, who knows how this knee/leg injury may affect him in the future:

Could this slow him down and turn all of those doubles into singles?

Could it make it so that he will never be able to move to SS, which is technically his natural position?

We don’t know, and that is the thing that makes his injury so sad. Baseball lost one of it’s brightest young stars yesterday for the rest of the (admittedly short) season, and now, all everyone can do- in Baltimore and across the world- is wait, and hope that this injury isn’t as bad as it looked.

HUMOR: The Reaction to Matt Harvey’s Injury

Matt Harvey has a UCL injury and will miss the rest of the season and probably longer, since he will likely have to undergo TJ Surgery. Upon seeing some of the online reaction to this, I believe it can be summed up by clicking here. Note that certain parts of that reaction are not-safe-for-work.

As a fan of baseball and great pitching, I agree with the above assessment.

HUMOR: The Coming Apocalyptic Season for the New York Yankees

Derek Jeter is hurt. Alex Rodriguez is hurt and under a steroid cloud. Mariano Rivera is coming back from an injury. Curtis Granderson is hurt. Mark Teixeira is hurt. Ichiro was in a car accident (he’s fine). Heck, Brian Cashman is hurt!

Clearly, the Yankees have been bitten by a injury superbug. And it can only get worse. Come, my friends, and take a look into the horrible fates awaiting the New York Yankees this season….

Robinson Cano: Narrowly escaping injury when a foul ball hit him during the Dominican-Philadelphia exhibition yesterday, Cano will be able to make it through the WBC without injury, only to fall prey to a freak twisted ankle in early May. I promise the other ones will be funnier than this one.

Kevin Youkilis: His new lack of facial hair exposes parts of his face to the first sunlight they have seen in years… and they aren’t prepared for it, forcing Youkilis to miss several weeks with a nasty sunburn.

David Aardsma: Injures pitching hand while defending himself from a die-hard Hank Aaron fan still angry about the Hammer’s loss of being the first entry in the Baseball Encyclopedia.

CC Sabathia: Already on the way back from a bone-spur surgery in October, Sabathia, ever the workhorse, decides to have a “let’s see who can throw more pitches” contest with Justin Verlander during the All-Star Game’s workout day. Verlander wins, Sabathia lands on the 15-day DL.

Travis Hafner: After a good April, Hafner becomes a major star in New York. However, this turns into tragedy when, in a photo-shoot that draws inspiration from his nickname of “Pronk”, which is short for “Project Donkey”. When a Yankee fan says that all of these injuries are a pain in the ass, somebody points out that in this case it was the ass inflicting the pain. Some people laugh. Others don’t.

Brett Gardner: Runs so fast going for an inside-the-park homer that one of his cleats falls off. The sudden unevenness causes him to fall down, twisting his leg and landing him on the DL. Oh, and he’s tagged out before he reaches home.

Hiroki Kuroda: Foolishly angers Mothra.

Francisco Cervelli and Chris Stewart: Hurt themselves arm-wrestling for the starting catcher job.

Eduardo Nunez: Food poisoning knocks him out for a day or two. Despite this being a very brief absence, the Daily News releases as headline that says: EDUARD-OH-NO!

Joba Chamberlain: Injured right leg due to a freak accident that occured while helping the inhabitants of the MLB Fan Cave produce a hilarious parody of Iron Man 3.

David Robertson: Gigantism.

David Phelps: Fearful for his well-being as the other Yankees fall to injury, announces that he’s retiring to go into political science or something.

Ichiro: Participates in Japanese game show. Injury ensues.

Andy Pettitte: Remembers he is 40 years old. Shatters into a thousand pieces.

Shawn Kelley: Gets a nasty paper-cut producing evidence that he is, in fact, a member of the New York Yankees.

George Steinbrenner: Remains dead, which is the ultimate injury.

An Eyewitness account of Evan Longoria’s setback

So, I was at the ballpark last night. Evan Longoria was in town with Durham on a rehab assignment- having injured his hamstring earlier in the year. I’ve seen him before in the big leagues, but the chance to see a ballplayer on a rehab assignment in the minors is something you should never pass up: you can see them far closer for far cheaper. Why, you can get close enough to realize they have begun growing more facial hair.

Good thing I went last night, otherwise I wouldn’t have seen him at all.


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