In 30 Teams, 30 Posts, I write a post about every MLB team in some way in the lead-up to the beginning of the 2015 season. Today, I talk about Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees by showing you an alternate world where Alex Rodriguez’s arrival at Yankee camp was as horrific as some people thought it would be or make it out to be:
We all feared this day would come. We told ourselves it was just a bad dream, a prophecy that would never be fulfilled.
But, alas, that bleak day happened. Alex Rodriguez, baseball’s greatest monster, arrived at Yankee Spring Training on Monday, coming days early by way of an ominous Zeppelin of Doom, powered by the tears of orphans and the death-cries of starved kittens.
After all, that is what Alex Rodriguez is all about. Himself. Some would move with the flow, be one with the team. But not Alex Rodriguez. Everything about him is looking out for number one. And yet, he is one of the ones who he has failed, right alongside his family, his team, his sport, America, and, indeed, all of mankind.
And, yet, he doesn’t even seem to know what, exactly, he has done wrong. Not today, not yesterday, not ever.
“Some of the mistakes.”
“Would not elaborate on what they were.”
Oh, and he said that while drinking the blood of a hapless victim. But that’s now important: he wouldn’t elaborate.
How could you not elaborate, Alex? Perhaps it is because of all of them. After all, your many crimes may include some of the following:
- Getting caught with steroids
- Using steroids in the first place
- Kidnapping a young damsel and tying her to train tracks
- Assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand and indirectly starting World War One
- The ending of Man of Steel
- Misplacing Thurman Thomas’ helmet in Super Bowl XXVI
- Slapping at Bronson Arroyo’s glove
- Tricking Howie Clark
- Global Warming
- Selling the rights to the X-Men and Fantastic Four to FOX Studios, thus depriving the world of seeing The Hulk fight The Thing and Wolverine hanging out with Captain America during WWII.
- The Union’s defeat at Bull Run
- The throwing of the 1919 World Series
- The Lego Movie not being nominated for Best Animated Feature
- The demise of MVP Baseball
- Ken Griffey Jr.’s injuries
- The episode of Lost about Jack’s tattoo
- The disappearance of Flight 19
That’s a lot of potential things you could have possibly done, and the fact that most of them you had nothing to do with has nothing to do with that, A-Rod. You are a disgrace, a fraud, and a poo-poo head. Please go away.
In reality, of course, nothing interesting happened and amazingly nobody went quite this over-the-top with their blistering hot-take thinkpieces. Although we did get this picture of journalists trying to catch a peek of his workout from a distance: