Derek Jeter is hurt. Alex Rodriguez is hurt and under a steroid cloud. Mariano Rivera is coming back from an injury. Curtis Granderson is hurt. Mark Teixeira is hurt. Ichiro was in a car accident (he’s fine). Heck, Brian Cashman is hurt!

Clearly, the Yankees have been bitten by a injury superbug. And it can only get worse. Come, my friends, and take a look into the horrible fates awaiting the New York Yankees this season….

Robinson Cano: Narrowly escaping injury when a foul ball hit him during the Dominican-Philadelphia exhibition yesterday, Cano will be able to make it through the WBC without injury, only to fall prey to a freak twisted ankle in early May. I promise the other ones will be funnier than this one.

Kevin Youkilis: His new lack of facial hair exposes parts of his face to the first sunlight they have seen in years… and they aren’t prepared for it, forcing Youkilis to miss several weeks with a nasty sunburn.

David Aardsma: Injures pitching hand while defending himself from a die-hard Hank Aaron fan still angry about the Hammer’s loss of being the first entry in the Baseball Encyclopedia.

CC Sabathia: Already on the way back from a bone-spur surgery in October, Sabathia, ever the workhorse, decides to have a “let’s see who can throw more pitches” contest with Justin Verlander during the All-Star Game’s workout day. Verlander wins, Sabathia lands on the 15-day DL.

Travis Hafner: After a good April, Hafner becomes a major star in New York. However, this turns into tragedy when, in a photo-shoot that draws inspiration from his nickname of “Pronk”, which is short for “Project Donkey”. When a Yankee fan says that all of these injuries are a pain in the ass, somebody points out that in this case it was the ass inflicting the pain. Some people laugh. Others don’t.

Brett Gardner: Runs so fast going for an inside-the-park homer that one of his cleats falls off. The sudden unevenness causes him to fall down, twisting his leg and landing him on the DL. Oh, and he’s tagged out before he reaches home.

Hiroki Kuroda: Foolishly angers Mothra.

Francisco Cervelli and Chris Stewart: Hurt themselves arm-wrestling for the starting catcher job.

Eduardo Nunez: Food poisoning knocks him out for a day or two. Despite this being a very brief absence, the Daily News releases as headline that says: EDUARD-OH-NO!

Joba Chamberlain: Injured right leg due to a freak accident that occured while helping the inhabitants of the MLB Fan Cave produce a hilarious parody of Iron Man 3.

David Robertson: Gigantism.

David Phelps: Fearful for his well-being as the other Yankees fall to injury, announces that he’s retiring to go into political science or something.

Ichiro: Participates in Japanese game show. Injury ensues.

Andy Pettitte: Remembers he is 40 years old. Shatters into a thousand pieces.

Shawn Kelley: Gets a nasty paper-cut producing evidence that he is, in fact, a member of the New York Yankees.

George Steinbrenner: Remains dead, which is the ultimate injury.