Tag Archives: Humor

How Don Mattingly can try to get fired (HUMOR)

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In a Ken Rosenthal article earlier today, a rival GM said that Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly is practically trying to get fired after his infamous ripping into of longtime RF Andre Ethier on Wednesday. However, despite that and the horrible 19-26 start for the Dodgers, he is expected to still be the skipper of Los Angeles when the sun rises on Friday.

Therefore, if we were to foolishly take the rival GM’s quotation literally, we can only guess that Mattingly has not done enough to get fired. Therefore, I have suggestions for him as he tries to escape the black hole of horrible the Dodgers’ season has been so far:

  • Accuse Tommy Lasorda of not actually bleeding Dodger Blue, but instead bleeding the red that everyone else has.
  • Hit the pitcher in the clean-up spot for kicks.
  • Leave game in the 7th inning to beat traffic.
  • Criticize Vin Scully. Note that doing this is not just grounds for termination, but is grounds for being shot into the heart of the sun.
  • Say that you wish the Dodgers had go-getters like Carlos Quentin.
  • Call AJ Ellis by the name of “DJ Elliot” for no apparent reason whatsoever.
  • Show up in Anaheim in a Angels uniform, see if you can get past security.
  • Sign Dwight Howard to play CF.
  • Give a long discussion on how you would approach 5-base baseball.
  • Donald Duck suit.
  • And the easiest way of all to get fired: keep having the team play .422 baseball.

The Unwritten Rules of Watching Baseball

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There are unwritten rules of playing baseball, but what are the unwritten rules of watching baseball? Or at least rules of thumbs or something…

Well….

  1. Veeck’s Law: The knowledge of baseball at a major league game is usually inverse the price of tickets.
  2. Don’t mention a no-hitter in progress, unless you do.
  3. Don’t mention a perfect game in progress, unless you do.
  4. If you mention how quickly a game is moving, it will grind to a halt.
  5. The players coming in from the field after a half-inning will throw a ball to either the cutest kid or the sexiest girl.
  6. If you catch a foul ball, and you are near a cute kid, you had better give him or her the ball.
  7. Every stadium should have at least one “regular” who’s voice can carry into the neighboring county.
  8. The official attendance of the game is always higher than the actual attendance.
  9. When a pitcher turns and fakes a pickoff towards second, at least one person will claim it’s a balk. It isn’t.
  10. The scrappier the player, the more liked he will be, no matter what his batting average.
  11. When there is a stadium trivia question and three of the choices are Hall of Famers and the fourth is somebody like Rusty Staub or Mike Timlin, then the answer is probably Rusty Staub or Mike Timlin.
  12. The temperature of the in-stadium thermometer is always at least four degrees higher or lower than it actually is.
  13. Any close call that goes against the home team is to be considered an insult by a blind umpire, even if it was relatively obvious it was the right call.
  14. After a few drinks, the person a few seats away from you will suddenly become an expert in when to send a runner, when not to send the runner, how to cover home plate, when to pull the pitcher and whether to swing, bunt or take a pitch.
  15. The batboy won’t give anyone a ball, but everyone will try and ask him for one anyway.

 

And that’s just the first 15!

HUMOR: The Coming Apocalyptic Season for the New York Yankees

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Derek Jeter is hurt. Alex Rodriguez is hurt and under a steroid cloud. Mariano Rivera is coming back from an injury. Curtis Granderson is hurt. Mark Teixeira is hurt. Ichiro was in a car accident (he’s fine). Heck, Brian Cashman is hurt!

Clearly, the Yankees have been bitten by a injury superbug. And it can only get worse. Come, my friends, and take a look into the horrible fates awaiting the New York Yankees this season….

Robinson Cano: Narrowly escaping injury when a foul ball hit him during the Dominican-Philadelphia exhibition yesterday, Cano will be able to make it through the WBC without injury, only to fall prey to a freak twisted ankle in early May. I promise the other ones will be funnier than this one.

Kevin Youkilis: His new lack of facial hair exposes parts of his face to the first sunlight they have seen in years… and they aren’t prepared for it, forcing Youkilis to miss several weeks with a nasty sunburn.

David Aardsma: Injures pitching hand while defending himself from a die-hard Hank Aaron fan still angry about the Hammer’s loss of being the first entry in the Baseball Encyclopedia.

CC Sabathia: Already on the way back from a bone-spur surgery in October, Sabathia, ever the workhorse, decides to have a “let’s see who can throw more pitches” contest with Justin Verlander during the All-Star Game’s workout day. Verlander wins, Sabathia lands on the 15-day DL.

Travis Hafner: After a good April, Hafner becomes a major star in New York. However, this turns into tragedy when, in a photo-shoot that draws inspiration from his nickname of “Pronk”, which is short for “Project Donkey”. When a Yankee fan says that all of these injuries are a pain in the ass, somebody points out that in this case it was the ass inflicting the pain. Some people laugh. Others don’t.

Brett Gardner: Runs so fast going for an inside-the-park homer that one of his cleats falls off. The sudden unevenness causes him to fall down, twisting his leg and landing him on the DL. Oh, and he’s tagged out before he reaches home.

Hiroki Kuroda: Foolishly angers Mothra.

Francisco Cervelli and Chris Stewart: Hurt themselves arm-wrestling for the starting catcher job.

Eduardo Nunez: Food poisoning knocks him out for a day or two. Despite this being a very brief absence, the Daily News releases as headline that says: EDUARD-OH-NO!

Joba Chamberlain: Injured right leg due to a freak accident that occured while helping the inhabitants of the MLB Fan Cave produce a hilarious parody of Iron Man 3.

David Robertson: Gigantism.

David Phelps: Fearful for his well-being as the other Yankees fall to injury, announces that he’s retiring to go into political science or something.

Ichiro: Participates in Japanese game show. Injury ensues.

Andy Pettitte: Remembers he is 40 years old. Shatters into a thousand pieces.

Shawn Kelley: Gets a nasty paper-cut producing evidence that he is, in fact, a member of the New York Yankees.

George Steinbrenner: Remains dead, which is the ultimate injury.

Humor: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS ALEX RODRIGUEZ?

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The Yankees have seemingly sent Alex Rodriguez into hiding, to keep him away from reporters and paparazzi.

Not going to stop me.
I know EXACTLY where Alex Rodriguez is. He’s somewhere here:

Yes, Alex Rodriguez is somewhere on Planet Earth. Oh, sure, it is not impossible, given his great wealth, that he has fled to Mars, Alpha Centauri or Altair IV, but there is no evidence he has done so, as we would have been able to see his Warp Signature, or something (any Star Trek fans out there, feel free to correct me).

So, where on Earth is Alex Rodriguez? Has he donned a red hat and coat? Or is he going the red-and-white shirt route?

Nobody knows.

That said, let’s face it, this is Alex Rodriguez. He lives in Florida (especially Miami) but reportedly has houses or apartments in the New York Metropolitan Area and near Los Angeles. So, uh… start there.

So, yeah, not specific, but there you go.

HUMOR: The future of the Miami Marlins

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As noted yesterday, the Marlins traded almost every notable player they had to the Blue Jays. However, there are reports that this is just the beginning, that Ricky Nolasco may be next, and that Logan Morrison may also be on the block! The Marlins are going back to their low-payroll ways, and nothing can stop owner Jeffrey Loria and his step-son/club president David Samson from going through with it. After all, they just got a big publicly-funded stadium, and now have gone and plunged their team into the abyss without giving a care in the world! Thanks Miami for the new stadium, and thanks for paying for it! I mean, we always were telling you that once we have a new stadium we wouldn’t have to do fire sales and be low-payroll! Now, excuse us, we have fire sales to run! And this is after they near-singlehandedly began the chain of events that sent the Montreal Expos into oblivion!

Given the fact that this is the third fire sale of the Marlins, and the second under Loria’s watch, we can easily extrapolate the future of the Miami Marlins (after the jump):

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HUMOR: Who, exactly, are the baseball gods? (Part 1 of an undetermined series)

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We often hear about the “baseball gods”, unseen deities who influence the fortunes of ballclubs and their players. It is this pantheon that brings about late-game rallies, fielding misfortunes and playoff runs. Last night, for example, it could be said that the baseball gods abandoned the Oakland Athletics.

However, little has ever been said about who the baseball gods are, beyond the fact that there there are many of them, making baseball a polytheistic religion. This puts the worship/prayer to the baseball gods, interestingly enough, in direct conflict with the vast majority of baseball fans, especially in North America, as well as the the vast majority of baseball players. This, perhaps, explains why none before have dared to give names to the baseball gods, as it would be like making them real, as opposed to an intangible force like luck or clutch-hitting.

They also lack any type of holy scripture about them, presumably because their names are written not in script but rather in THE UNWRITTEN RULES, the invisible text that all baseball players, fans, announcers and managers must follow, by punishment of being accused of breaking THE UNWRITTEN RULES. This has also helped obscure the names of the baseball gods.

Until now, because it is time to give the baseball gods names, and to write them. After the jump, of course:

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Obituary: The 2012 Baltimore Orioles’ Playoff Hopes

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The Playoff Hopes of the Baltimore Orioles passed away last night at the age of 89 games, dying shortly after a 19-7 trouncing at the hands of the Minnesota Twins, who sometimes don’t even seem to score 19 runs during a single month. Although Hopes, who had not been seen this late since 1997, is still technically alive, doctors confirm that the prognosis is extremely grim and that it is only a matter of time before it is overtaken and destroyed by the American League East and the tough competition for the AL Wild Card spots due to a lack of starting pitching.

The Orioles’ Playoff Hopes leaves behind it’s brother, fellow Baltimore native Michael Phelps Olympic Hopes, as well as it’s distant cousin, the Pittsburgh Pirates’ Playoff Hopes.

Services are the rest of the season. In lieu of flowers, send quality starting pitchers.

For Sale: The Yankees?

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According to the Daily News, the Yankees may be put up for sale by the family Steinbrenner. The most valuable team in American sports- if not all of sports (I’m not really up on the price of Europe’s soccer teams these days) could, possibly, maybe, be put up for sale. Allow me to do the sales pitch for them:

Are you a wealthy member of the 1%? Do you want to be seen, talked about and generally known? Do you like hanging out with celebrities like Billy Crystal, Jay-Z, Spike Lee and Alec Baldwin? Do you have an insatiable desire for victory and an irrational hatred of facial hair?

Then we have the sports franchise for you! The New York Yankees, winners of 27 World Series and 40 AL pennants, and the team of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Berra and Jeter, are for sale. The current owner, the Steinbrenner Family, bought the team from CBS in 1973 for just over 8 million dollars, and has since greatly increased the team’s valuation. Sale includes new Yankee Stadium, the Yankees Entertainment and Sports Network (YES), and all current player contracts. Yes, even Alex Rodriguez’s. But don’t worry, despite the revenue-sharing placed upon you by the other 29 MLB teams, you still will hold a vast advantage over most other teams due to your market size, prestige, and creative accounting.

Beginning asking price is 3 billion US dollars and includes a vigorous vetting process by Major League Baseball, the New York City press, big-name Yankee fans and politicians from the City, County and State of New York.

All questions and requests can be sent to One East 161st Street, Bronx, New York. Sorry, due to demand, we cannot take Jeter autograph requests.