Tag Archives: Humor

(Humor) Things Cubs players would still be able to do

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Jeff Passan has an article on how the Union is worried that the contracts being offered by teams like the Cubs could be a slow march to non-guaranteed contracts on par with the NFL. You can read the article for the full details, but in essence, they are worried that the expansion of the “conversion clause” that allows a team to turn it into a non-guaranteed contract if a player does something. It’s a call-back to the eighties, when everybody was worried about all the cocaine going around, but now-a-days the MLBPA is worried about the implications that teams could not only use the clause to extend it to PEDs, but to, well, anything.

Like, take this snippet apparently from a Cubs contract, meant to list out restricted activities that could allow the Cubs to turn the contact into non-guaranteed if there was an injury. Passan notes that due to the way some parts of the contract were originally written, they could have in theory been able to convert the contract for even the most mild of injuries doing these activities:

“(A)uto racing, motorcycling, piloting, co-piloting, learning to operate, or serving as a crew member of, an aircraft, being a passenger in a single engine airplane or private plane, hot air ballooning, parachuting, skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping, horseback riding, horse racing, harness racing, fencing, boxing, wrestling, karate, judo, jujitsu, any other form of martial arts activity, use of an All Terrain Vehicle (‘ATV’), skiing (water or snow), snowmobiling, bobsledding, luging, ice hockey, ice boating, field hockey, squash, spelunking, basketball, football, softball, white water canoeing or rafting, kayaking, jai-alai, lacrosse, soccer, tennis, rodeo, bicycle racing, motor boat racing, polo, rugby, rodeo, handball, volleyball, in-line or other roller skating, surfing, hunting, paddleball, racquetball, archery, wood chopping, mountain climbing, boating, any weightlifting not prescribed by or approved in advance by Club (said approval not to be unreasonably withheld), participation in the ‘Superteams’ or ‘Superstars’ activities (or any like activity) or other made-for-television or made-for-motion picture athletic competitions…”

That’s a big list, and the union was- if I’m reading this right- worried that such a big list and the vague writing of the contract could have allowed the Cubs to NFL-ize the contracts of anybody who, say, had a slight sprain during a pick-up basketball game or had a soccer ball hit them in the nuts. Thankfully, that vague language has been changed, so now the they probably have to actually get shot by a bow-and-arrow or falling down a cliff while mountain climbing for their deal to become non-guaranteed.

Still, even if they WERE in danger of seeing their guaranteed contracts going poof if they got hurt doing those above activities, they still have many activities they still could have done:

  • Golf
  • Bowling
  • Bocce
  • Ballroom dancing
  • Water Polo (regular polo is prohibited, however)
  • Paragliding (hang-gliding is prohibited, however)
  • Badminton
  • Australian-Rules Football
  • Sepaw Takraw (AKA Malaysian Foot-Volleyball)
  • Korfball (AKA Dutch Basketball)
  • Kickball
  • Pesapallo (AKA Finnish Baseball)
  • Snowboarding (Surfing, Skating and Skiing are prohibited, however)
  • Shuffleboard
  • Dodgeball
  • Ultimate Frisbee
  • Unicycling (bicycling and motorcycling are prohibited)
  • Tug of War
  • Trading Card Games
  • Paintball
  • Laser Tag
  • Billiards
  • Fishing
  • Playing “Go Fish”
  • Darts
  • Gymnastics
  • Flying a kite
  • Table Tennis
  • Most Track and Field events
  • Hurling (AKA Irish Field Hockey, sort of)
  • Bandy (Russian Ice Hockey but with a ball instead of a puck)
  • Hide and Seek
  • Tag
  • Team Handball (regular Handball is prohibited)
  • Chess
  • Checkers
  • Battle of the Nations
  • Connect Four
  • Quidditch
  • Thumb-War
  • Horseshoes
  • Blernsball
  • Rollerball
  • Calvinball
  • Podracing
  • Video Games
  • Jeopardy!
  • Staring Contests
  • Scootering
  • Segway Racing
  • Uno
  • Monopoly
  • Baseball itself!

…Oh, wait, there is this at the very end:

“…or any other sport, activity, or negligent act involving a reasonably foreseeable substantial risk of personal injury or death.”

Well, there goes those. Good thing the Union was able to get a change in the language of the Cubs contracts, otherwise, they could have ended up with people getting their contracts non-guaranteed after paper-cuts while playing Uno.

HUMOR: The Reaction to Matt Harvey’s Injury

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Matt Harvey has a UCL injury and will miss the rest of the season and probably longer, since he will likely have to undergo TJ Surgery. Upon seeing some of the online reaction to this, I believe it can be summed up by clicking here. Note that certain parts of that reaction are not-safe-for-work.

As a fan of baseball and great pitching, I agree with the above assessment.

When the Orioles were asked what animal they’d want to be, Jason Hammel had the best answer:

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Turtle PowerYes, when the Orioles were asked for the most recent issue of Orioles Magazine what animal they would want to be, Jason Hammel said he’d want to be a Ninja Turtle.

And that, needless to say, instantly made him the winner of that Q&A page. Which, considering Matt Wieters said he’d want to be a Liger (a Lion/Tiger hybrid), is quite an achievement.

Cowabunga, Jason Hammel. And remember: Turtle Power!

Happy Birthday, Pablo Sanchez

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Today, August 18, is an important day, as it is the birthday of the greatest baseball player of all time: Pablo Sanchez. Yes, Pablo Sanchez. The Secret Weapon. You remember him, from back in the day, that Mexican-American wonder-kid who couldn’t speak a lick of English (or so he claimed), but could speak the language of baseball like nobody else. He could throw a no-hitter (although pitching wasn’t his main strength), hit the ball 723 feet, and was also a great multi-sport athlete who also played soccer, hockey, football and basketball.

To this day, it is said, if you find a sandlot, close your eyes, and think of him, you can still hear his song drift through the wind, reminding us all of the legend.

Feliz cumpleaños, Pablo. Wherever you are…

 

(Oh, and I guess I should take the time to wish a happy birthday to my sister as well.)

Can I interest you in Cy Young’s Coffee Pot? (Semi-Humor*)

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While checking eBay for a share to Rochester Community Baseball (no luck!), I instead came across this.

If you don’t want to look at it or the link has gone dead, here’s what it is:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.10.39 PMIt’s a coffee pot that belonged to Cy Young‘s estate, and thus, presumably, Cy Young himself. Yes, you too can pour coffee from the same pot as the winningest pitcher of all time for the low, low price of $999! You may think that price absurd, but you are forgetting that you would be having coffee from the same pot as A BASEBALL GOD. Just like how you will be getting the WORKSMANSHIP OF A BASEBALL GOD if you buy a toolbox from the Cy Young estate.

And that’s not all! Thanks to eBay, you also have the chance of having a flower vase that once belonged to Young, for the low price of $199.99! That’s the same price that can get you a hack saw made in 1879 that also was no doubt passed down through the Young family. Throw in an extra $375 and you can get Cy Young’s tie-clasp!

But, these are nothing compared to the crown jewel of Cy Young’s estate on eBay. No, they all pale in comparison to this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.28.38 PMCY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE.

Yes, you can buy CY YOUNG’S POCKET KNIFE off of eBay. Just imagine what this knife has been used for! For all we know, Denton True Young may once have gotten into a knife-fight with Ty Cobb using this. I mean, we’ll never know for sure, but it can’t be totally discounted, right?

However, my enthusiasm is dampened by the horrible truth that you may not have been able to glean from the above image. No, to see the truth, you must… ENHANCE!

Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 8.39.53 PMLas Vegas, Nevada. What would Cy Young’s knife be doing in Sin City? Well, the truth is, it’s only in Las Vegas a nice legal fiction to hide the truth from us. You see, the real location of Cy Young’s pocket knife is actually about 83 miles northwest of Vegas at a US Military Facility. You know it better as AREA 51. And, deep below A51, a secret alliance of the Illuminati, Knights Templar and the Boras Corporation used blood on the knife to begin a cloning process of Cy Young. Sometime in the next 18 to 22 years, a wave of Cy Young clones will enter the majors, bringing with them the ability to throw complete games on short rest. The entire pitching economy will be overthrown, closers and relievers will be driven to the street, the Rolaids Relief Man award will go unawarded… while the conspirators will profit all the while…

You see, that is why they are now selling it, to get the evidence away from themselves.

“But,” you say, “why would they make it so expensive? It’s over 23 hundred dollars!”

And I say: Gambling debts. Even secret conspiracies did not see Florida Gulf Coast coming this March.

…Anyway. Now you know the truth. Yes… the truth.

Use it as you will.

*I say “semi-humor” because while I make several bad jokes and go on at least one bizarre tangent, it is true that this stuff is on sale on eBay.

Every way (well, 25 ways) the A-Rod madness might end (HUMOR after awhile)

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Oh boy. The whole saga over Alex Rodriguez keeps getting weirder and weirder. With each passing day, he seems to be finding some new doctor, tweeting out something, making some sort of appearance on radio or TV, or coming under some sort of further Biogenesis news.

So, how does it end? I have come up with EVERY POSSIBLE OUTCOME, and listed them below:

  1. Alex Rodriguez does early August rehab and is back with the Yankees sometime that month before getting suspended in some way by the end of the year. Because, really, at this point, there is no way he is avoiding getting suspended.
  2. Alex Rodriguez goes through rehab, but then is suspended for going over the Yankees’ head with getting a second opinion, so he doesn’t actually start until late August. THEN he gets suspended by MLB.
  3. Alex Rodriguez uses various legal tricks and appeals to play but then is suspended in the off-season.
  4. Alex Rodriguez is suspended by MLB before he can actually play in the majors this season.
  5. Alex Rodriguez suffers another injury set-back and doesn’t play.
  6. Alex Rodriguez just up and retires to avoid all of the Biogenesis and injury stuff.
  7. Alex Rodriguez cuts a deal with MLB about this whole Biogenesis stuff, is out the rest of the season and probably next year too, but then tries to make a comeback in 2015.
  8. Alex Rodriguez fights the Biogenesis investigation, loses, and is either suspended for a very long time or is just upright banned.
  9. Various variations of 1 through 8.
  10. (From this point on, it’s humor) It is revealed that the Alex Rodriguez everyone has been watching since he went to the Rangers is actually a magically-hidden centaur doppelganger and that the real Alex Rodriguez has been in a cryogenic chamber somewhere near Seattle since 2000.
  11. Brian Cashman, finally having reached his breaking point with all of this nonsense, challenges A-Rod to a duel to the death.
  12. Alex Rodriguez is seen with somebody like Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes or something, causing Deadspin and TMZ to collide, forming a black hole that sucks up the entire internet.
  13. Alex Rodriguez begins to go under the alias of “Carlos Danger”.
  14. Alex Rodriguez, hoping to show just how fine and game ready he is, does a workout in his driveway in front of assembled media.
  15. Alex Rodriguez announces that his home planet needs him, leaves, and is never heard from again.
  16. Alex Rodriguez tries to sneak onto the field of a Yankees game by trying to go incognito as Dandy, the Yankees’ short-lived mascot.
  17. It turns out that “Biogenesis” was the name of his sleigh.
  18. It is revealed that Alex Rodriguez’s entire career has taken place inside of a snowglobe and the imagination of an autistic child.
  19. Goes to Taiwan, where people will still pack the stadium just to see him.
  20. Alex Rodriguez goes and buys some Shwarma.
  21. Alex Rodriguez moves to Vegas and spends the rest of his days signing memorabilia.
  22. Sits in his room for rest of his days eating ice cream and watching Ice Station Zebra. Hey, it worked for Howard Hughes.
  23. He not only makes it back, but he hits a dramatic walkoff home run that hits the light standards and causes them to explode.
  24. Due to a quirk in the CBA, is suspended but is able to continue playing in the minor leagues, where he tutors young prospects or something.
  25. Alex Rodriguez wakes up from his nap, turns and sees Ken Griffey Jr. in the locker next to him, and says “You won’t believe the dream I just had.”

HUMOR: Cable TV descriptions of baseball movies that must be made

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You know how when you come across a movie on cable, they give you a brief description?

Well, here are some baseball movies that must be made, and what their cable TV description would be:

BOBBLEHEAD THE MOVIE: A 1960s bobblehead is forced to come out of retirement to lead his team over more realistically-proportioned action figures. Starring the vocal talents of Kevin Costner, Rainn Wilson.

MURDER MOST FOWL: After the shocking murder of Mrs. Met, the San Diego Chicken must lead the hunt for the mascot responsible. Starring Ted Giannoulas and the guy in the Mr. Met costume.

BAY OF PUIGS: A greedy baseball agent finances a invasion of Cuba, looking to open it up in order to find more talent to sign. Starring William Dafoe and Pitbull.

MINOR PROBLEMS: The GM of a minor league baseball team must escape assassins sent to kill him after a disastrous “Russian Heritage Night”. Starring Paul Giamatti and Zooey Deschanel.

HOSS: The tale of the pitching deity and dapper gent is brought to life. Rated NC-17 for language, violence, excessive drinking, opium use and syphilis.

DINOSAUR BASEBALL: Dinosaurs play baseball —*Television explodes from the awesomeness before you can finish reading it.*

 

The Grandest Question: Who would win in a fight? (Humor)

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Introduction:

Superman vs. Batman. Godzilla vs. King Kong. Kirk vs. Picard.

Questions such as these have raged since the beginning of time. All types of media have tried to answer questions such as this. Heck, recently Nintendo released the first trailers for the latest incarnation of Super Smash Brothers, a series based entirely on the question of whether Mario could beat the snot out of Pikachu (amongst others) and similar questions.

But to the best of my memory, nobody has ever answered the question of who would win in a fight between all of the team-names of Major League Baseball. From the Atlanta Braves to the Washington Nationals, what would win?

Truly, this had to be a massive undertaking, taking into account history, science, tradition and countless other areas of knowledge. Nothing less than the most complete look at each of the warriors could do justice. Well, sort of.

You see, I am automatically going to disqualify teams that are inanimate objects. Therefore, the Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox, Houston Astros, Kansas City Royals (which is technically named after the American Royal Livestock Show, and not the idea of being kings), Oakland Athletics (which is just derived from being an Athletic club), Philadelphia Phillies, Cincinnati Reds (given that they are not actually communists), Washington Nationals (derived from being in the National League) and Colorado Rockies are all tied for last place. Now, let us go below the jump to take a look at our combatants:

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Baseball News Reaction of the Night (Humor)

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I saw this tweet (emphasis mine):

And this is how I (and no doubt many others) reacted.

The Curse of Steve McCatty’s Playgirl Shoot (Humor)

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On May 21, our friend Michael Clair over at Old Time Family Baseball wrote an article over at Baseball Prospectus in which he did tongue-in-cheek scouting reports of ballplayers who did Playgirl shoots in the 1980s. While he didn’t provide a scouting report on him, among the players who Clair exposed (pun intended) was Steve McCatty, who is now the pitching coach for the Washington Nationals.

Upon seeing the image, the Nationals did what any team would do when such a photo is brought back to light: use it as a team-wide gag/inspirational t-shirt.

However, since that fateful day, the Nationals fortunes have fallen. They are a mere .500 since Michael Clair’s article went up*, have fallen another game back in the NL East standings, and would have fallen back even more if not for the fact that the Braves were almost as averagely mediocre as the Nationals were.

Oh, and Stephen Strasburg left last night’s game with an injury. And Bryce Harper may be headed to the DL.

So, did the Steve McCatty Playgirl shoot curse the Nationals? I don’t know. But, then again, it’s no less ridiculous than Colonel Sanders cursing a Japanese team…

*Yes, I do know that the Nationals were on a 4-game losing streak before the article went up. Now be quiet and let me tell the story.