Bizarre Baseball Culture: BILLY THE MARLIN guest-starring SPIDER-MAN

In Bizarre Baseball Culture, I take a look at some of the more unusual places where baseball has reared it’s head in pop culture and fiction.

What if I told you there was a comic about Doctor Doom invading 90s Miami in order to kidnap Jeff Conine, only to be foiled by Spider-Man and Billy the Marlin? And what if I told you that Robb Nen also had a brief cameo? Would you be interested in this comic?

Well, seeing as how you are currently looking at this, the answer is probably yes. And, guess what? You are in luck, as this comic does exist:


Yes, it’s time for Bizarre Baseball Culture to jump into Billy the Marlin, guest-starring Spider-Man! Read below to see the background of it, or go below the jump for an overview and analysis:

The comic, as far as I can tell, was given out in either 1996 (that’s the copyright date in the book and also fits with some of the Marlins portrayed) or 1999 (that’s where it’s listed on some online websites, but doesn’t fit since Conine and Nen weren’t on the 1999 Marlins team) for Billy the Marlin’s birthday, a nice little treat for kids who were at the Marlins game. Based on what I could find, Billy the Marlin’s birthday is usually celebrated in August, so presumably this comic came out in August of 1996 or 1999 (I personally think 1996).

The writer and colorist of this comic was Mark Bernardo, who primarily worked as a colorist and editor at Marvel during the 1990s, primarily in Spider-Man books- he was one of the many cooks in the kitchen during the disastrous “Clone Saga” (which was apparently so complicated both in-story and out that I don’t quite understand it even from what I can find online).

Pencilling the story was Alex Saviuk, a prolific artist who is, according to the “Comic Book DB”, best known for his work involving Spider-Man, including a Sunday newspaper strip.

Greg Adams did inks, Janice Chiang did letters and Glenn Herdling was the Editor. All three had plenty of experience in comics.

End of background, go BELOW THE JUMP for overview and analysis (Warning: image-intensive!):

Our tale, entitled “Fields of Doom”, begins on an ordinary day in Joe Robbie Stadium (this was before it was renamed Pro Player Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Dolphin Stadium [noBillyTheMarlinInfoCard S], Land Shark Stadium or Sun Life Stadium), where Billy The Marlin (see the Bizarre Baseball Culture database entry to the right) is having fun, squirting umpires with his super-soaker and celebrating his birthday. Also in the stands on this bright, shiny and unusually well-attended day in Miami are Peter Parker, his wife Mary-Jane, and Mary-Jane’s aunt, Anna Watson. However, Peter senses that something is wrong, as an airship is nearing the stadium:

Screen Shot 2013-09-27 at 4.42.28 PM

Wait, the Marlins had an airship?

As could be expected, the airship belongs to our villain for the issue: Doctor Doom. Although usually connected to the Fantastic Four, Doom is not picky when it comes to DoctorDoomDataenemies, and often is willing to pick a fight with anyone who dares stop him. And, what’s more, as ruler of the small Eastern European nation of Latveria, Doom has diplomatic immunity! That isn’t really mentioned in this story, but Latveria is. Because, you see, the objective of Doctor Doom is to…

Draft Jeff Conine into Latveria’s baseball team. 

No, seriously, look:

Click above to see these panels in all of their glory.

Click above to see these panels in all of their glory.

You would probably find it weird that Doctor Doom would be interested in baseball whatsoever, since Latveria is an Eastern European country that is hardly in baseball territory. And you would probably find it unusual that Doctor Doom would go and grab Jeff Conine first and not, say, Greg Maddux, Barry Bonds, Cal Ripken Jr. or that young rookie Derek Jeter. Well, the answer is simple: The four aforementioned players are actually superheroes in disguise. But that’s for a future Bizarre Baseball Culture. Yeah, how’s that for a hook?

Anyway, as Doom and his Doombots (assuming Doom himself isn’t actually a Doombot- but I digress) kidnap the MVP of the 1995 All-Star Game, Peter Parker tells his family he has to go to bathroom. But, don’t worry folks, for while Pete changes into his Spider-Duds, Billy the Marlin is on the case, leaping into action using a fishing hook (not included in the database entry due to space limitations) and calling a Doombot “Clyde”, just like the great heroes of legend. But, like all great heroes, Billy the Marlin does not fight alone, for on the scene comes the amazing, spectacular, sensational, avenging, ultimate, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!

Screen Shot 2013-09-27 at 11.41.10 PMWith the arrival of the Web-Slinger, Doom realizes he’s on the ropes, and decides to cut SpideyDatahis losses, ordering his Doombots to hoist Conine into the airship. Spider-Man is having none of this, though, and he webs himself up to grab Conine, and also uses his webs to screw up the innards of the robots. Actually, this is kind of weird, I mean, yeah, Spidey isn’t Doom’s main opponent, but they’ve faced each other plenty of times, enough where you’d think Doom would think to web-proof his robots. But, hey, this is a comic about a evil sorcerer-scientist-king trying to kidnap Jeff Conine, so maybe I’m thinking about this too much.

Oh, right… Spider-Man is able to rescue Conine, and we get to see a brief cameo by Robb Nen as he watches them land in a web-cushion. I guarantee those words have never been said before, but that’s basically what happens:

Screen Shot 2013-09-28 at 12.21.57 AM

His plot to kidnap Jeff Conine foiled, Doctor Doom faces another problem: Billy the Marlin is screwing up his Doombots using a squirt gun. Much like the thing with Spider-Man’s webbing, I find it highly unlikely that Doom wouldn’t have had his robots ready for something like water. I mean, it’s only, y’know, what covers over 70 percent of the planet. To be fair, this is even pointed out by Billy the Marlin, who wonders how the heck Doom cleans his robots:

Screen Shot 2013-09-28 at 12.37.15 PMAlso, I like how Doombots apparently yell out “SQEEK” upon death.

So, anyway, Doctor Doom does not like how a anthropomorphic marlin has helped foil his plans.  So he more-or-less says “If you want things done, you’ve got to do them yourself” and goes after Billy, who shows great courage and goofballery in the face of certain death:

Screen Shot 2013-09-28 at 1.44.38 PMLet us all hope we all face death like this: with jokes in our heads, water-guns shooting at our assailant and a smile on our face. It’s what Billy the Marlin would want, for it is as he spent his final moments before Doctor Doom used his energy gauntlets to turn him into a “fish fricassee”. Rest in peace, Billy… rest in peace.

Oh, who am I kidding, Spider-Man swings in at the last moment, knocks Doom out, makes a self-aware reference to the bad “Doom’s kidnapping scheme strikes out!” pun he spewed while doing so, and then swings away on a web-line as Billy and the Marlins sign autographs.

What is he shooting his web at?

What is he shooting his web at?

And there you go: Billy the Marlin. It’s hardly a masterpiece of sequential storytelling, but I kind of like it. I mean, it does exactly what it sets out to do: tell a story about Spider-Man and Billy the Marlin fighting Doctor Doom. It’s not trying to be Watchmen (the Citizen Kane of comics), it’s just trying to be Billy the Marlin. It’s story is flimsy, it’s several pages too short, it has several logical inconsistencies and deus ex machina plot devices, but… it’s goofy fun.

And, ultimately, isn’t that all somebody reading this would be looking for?

Next Time: Brittle Innings


Prologue: “Rockets on the Mound” (short story)

1: Captain Marvel teaches baseball to Martians

2: Fantom of the Fair and exploding baseballs

3: Doll Man fights the Baseball Bandits

4: Tony Stark- Baseball Fan

5: The Other Guys

6: The Little Wise Guys and the Absent-Minded Natural

7. Pokémon: “The Double Trouble Header”

8. Dash Dartwell’s PED use for justice

9. The Shield and the Ballpark Murders

10. 2007′s Triple-A Baseball Heroes

11. 2008′s Triple-A Baseball Heroes

12. The Batman and Cal Ripken join forces

13. Sub-Zero and Blasted Bulbs

14. “Pinky at the Bat”

15. How To Play Baseball 

16. Action Comics #50

17. Superman Adventures #13

18. Billy the Marlin (guest-starring Spider-Man) [You are here]


39 thoughts on “Bizarre Baseball Culture: BILLY THE MARLIN guest-starring SPIDER-MAN

  1. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: McGwire, Sosa and Friends fight Tree Monsters in “Cosmic Slam” | The Baseball Continuum

  2. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture THANKSGIVING WEEKEND DOUBLEHEADER (Starring Dick Blaze and Franklin Richards) | The Baseball Continuum

  3. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: 25th installment! | The Baseball Continuum

  4. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Stuart Taylor time-travels to the days of the Knickerbockers (only not really) | The Baseball Continuum

  5. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Captain America in a Golden Age Tale | The Baseball Continuum

  6. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Captain America saves a HS ballplayer from Drugs! | The Baseball Continuum

  7. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Spider-Man, Uncle Ben, and the Mets | The Baseball Continuum

  8. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Green Arrow and Elongated Man in a tale with Baseball | The Baseball Continuum

  9. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: “Mr. Go” is about a GORILLA PLAYING BASEBALL IN KOREA | The Baseball Continuum

  10. Pingback: Another Bizarre Adventure for Billy the Marlin | The Baseball Continuum

  11. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: The Detroit Tigers, A Talking Tiger, and the Power of SHAZAM! | The Baseball Continuum

  12. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: A Cal Ripken Bio-Comic | The Baseball Continuum

  13. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Simpsons Comics #120 | The Baseball Continuum

  14. Pingback: Wisdom and Links: Ray Rice, Links, and The Need For A Minor-League Office | Hall of Very Good

  15. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Trying to find any sort of meaning in Blue Bolt V9 #1 | The Baseball Continuum

  16. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Cal Ripken orders the 2001 Yankees to Save The World | The Baseball Continuum

  17. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Post-Schulz Peanuts go to Japan in “It’s Tokyo, Charlie Brown!” | The Baseball Continuum

  18. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: True Comics #78 has a Stan Musial Biography | The Baseball Continuum

  19. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: “CHALLENGE OF THE HEADLESS BASEBALL TEAM!” | The Baseball Continuum

  20. Pingback: The Best of 2014- BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: “Mr. Go” is about a GORILLA PLAYING BASEBALL IN KOREA | The Baseball Continuum

  21. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Strange Sports Stories #1… “TO BEAT THE DEVIL!” | The Baseball Continuum


  23. Pingback: Spider-Man’s appearances in BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE | The Baseball Continuum

  24. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE- The Time That Bullseye had a 2-issue Baseball Miniseries | The Baseball Continuum

  25. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Marvel Adventures Spider-Man 34 brings steroid accusations, hallucinations, and a angry father | The Baseball Continuum

  26. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Marvel’s Menagerie of Yankee Stadium appearances | The Baseball Continuum

  27. Pingback: “Fantastic Four” Bizarre Baseball Cultures that are probably way better than the new movie | The Baseball Continuum

  28. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Popeye and “The Twisker Pitcher” | The Baseball Continuum

  29. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Bartolo, C.C., and the rest of the 2002 Indians rotation in INDIANS STRIKEFORCE VS. THE SCATMAN | The Baseball Continuum

  30. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Bartolo, C.C., and the rest of the 2002 Indians rotation in INDIANS STRIKEFORCE VS. THE SCATMAN | The Baseball Continuum

  31. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Fallout 4’s surprisingly-high level of Baseball | The Baseball Continuum

  32. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture: Ultraman 80 vs. An Evil Baseball-Glove Monster | The Baseball Continuum

  33. Pingback: The 50th BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: DC’s greatest heroes and villains… PLAY BASEBALL? (BLOGATHON ’16) | The Baseball Continuum

  34. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: The Kool-Aid Man Cometh (W/bonus Kool-Aid Commercial) | The Baseball Continuum

  35. Pingback: Continuucast 10: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE looks at “X Minus One: Martian Sam” | The Baseball Continuum

  36. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Take “The Human Target” Out To The Ballgame | The Baseball Continuum

  37. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: The Power Rangers take on Babe Ruthless (with a special bonus!) | The Baseball Continuum

  38. Pingback: BIZARRE BASEBALL CULTURE: Shift into the baseball episode of “Power Ranger Turbo” | The Baseball Continuum

  39. Pingback: Bizarre Baseball Culture 2.0: Spider-Man, Uncle Ben, and the Mets | The Baseball Continuum

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s